We Have Rules For a Reason
by T'Key'la
Summary: Sometimes we can look the other way when rules are bent or broken. Sometimes we need to publically ask that those behaviors stop. Part of the Memo Collection - purely for fun! Rated mostly for language and implied naughtiness. K/S
1. We Have Rules for a Reason

**MEMO**:

To: The Finest Crew in Starfleet  
From: Captain James T. Kirk  
Re: Recent Questionable Crew Behavior

It has not failed to escape my attention that there have been several recent instances of members of the crew of Enterprise violating, flaunting, reinterpreting, and/or blatantly ignoring some of the rules which are intended to govern the conduct of those serving on this starship. While I make every attempt to fulfill our need for free self expression while simultaneously adhering to the conduct expected by Starfleet Command, the balance between these two has tipped toward errant behavior in recent weeks. As such, I am requesting that each member of my crew – the finest in Starfleet – remain cognizant of the following inviolable rules of conduct:

1) I am the first to admit that I enjoy wearing jeans at every possible, _appropriate_ opportunity. I do not, however, wear them on the Bridge, especially not while I am on duty. This is an important distinction some members of the crew have failed to make. We do not now nor have we ever observed the custom of casual Fridays. We don't even have Fridays in space. Please cease and desist from wearing jeans when you are on duty. The next crewmember so discovered will be put on report and will be working gamma shift for the next quarter. And don't think I don't know that gamma shift does it too. I have seen the security tapes.

2) I may or may not be aware of the purported still which may or may not operate unobserved and unacknowledged aboard this ship. Note that up until now I have never mentioned this hypothetical violation of Starfleet regulation 874.52(b)*(7). However, if one more crewmember reports or attempts to report to duty having recently visited this alleged well of spirits, I will personally beam the reputed still into deep space. No, I'm not kidding, even if I have to have Scotty sedated first.

3) Ensign Chekov is admittedly among the very youngest of our young crew. (I know for a fact that the mean age of our crew skews the Starfleet average lower by almost a decade.) There is, however, a limit to the number of times anyone can be subjected to hearing that he reminds you of your little brother back home, or your former girl/boyfriend's younger brother, or your first crush in elementary school; or more generally, that he is too adorable for words. Chekov is a respected member of our Bridge crew, not a Labrador puppy who would actually like being patted on the head. (And no, you cannot adopt Chekov. His parents – who are still very much alive and well in Russia – would strenuously object.)

4) Dr. McCoy only administers those medications he deems scientifically and medically appropriate. He has not and will not ever prescribe medication and/or therapy simply because "he does not like you." He's grumpy to everyone, including me. (You know it's true, Bones.) Stop coming to me to tell me that he injected you with Rosestar Fire Tea just because he was in a particularly bad mood when you were in sickbay. He didn't. And it doesn't matter how many times you tell me he did. (As a side note, resist at all cost the temptation to tell him how to treat your latest injury/illness/complaint. It only serves to make him more angry.)

5) Lieutenant M'Ress' diet consists primarily of milk based nutrients. Her meals are carefully balanced with the essential minerals and vitamins that she requires for her continued good health. Under no circumstances is it appropriate to ask M'Ress to borrow a cup of milk. Not to make hot chocolate. Not to put in a cake mix. Not to sooth the itch of dry, flaky skin. It is wrong. Stop asking her.

6) Whomever reprogrammed the replicators in general mess so that they only produce pancakes is to reverse the programming immediately. It was amusing for the first few days. However, there are only so many pancakes anyone can be expected to ingest. And Scotty has been unable to eradicate the malignant code so that they will begin operating normally. I suggest the culprit fixes the replicators before I assist the Lt. Commander in tracing the code back to the originating computer terminal. (And you know that I can.) I promise you that you will not like the results if Scotty finds out who did it. He and I will both make certain. Consider yourself warned.

7) As with the possible existence of the supposed still, I have attempted to not notice that many of the crew, from time to time, engage in what may or may not be illicit wagering. Surely this does not occur as that would be a violation of Starfleet regulations 334.7(q)(5s). However, I have heard rumors of the possibility of clandestine speculation concerning various amorous liaisons aboard our ship. Seriously, stop betting and just ask them. And Sulu, if I hear that the subject of one more of your trifectas is on who I may or may not sleep with next, you may not live long enough to collect any of those bets. Or pay them off. Understood?

8) I do not object to any member of this crew having a personal page on SpaceBook. I do not object to the existence of the "Enterprise General" pages. I do not object to the invitations that are sent to all of your actual and virtual "friends." (Although I do think sending invitations to mandatory drills is ridiculous and/or redundant. But, hey, to each his/her own!) I do, however, object strenuously to anyone posting, reading, updating, playing on, or otherwise visiting their page(s) while on duty. **Stop**! If this behavior continues unabated, I will block SpaceBook from the ship's computers. Doesn't it occur to you that if you post a status update in the middle of Alpha shift when you are assigned to Alpha shift that I'll figure out you did it while on duty? And as I am required to review and sign any and all shift rosters, including reassignments and/or "trades," I do know that you were in fact on duty when you simply had to inform all of your "friends" that "The brunette is five minutes from saying yes to me. LOL." Yes, I **can** tell time.

9) I enjoy fine cinematic presentations as much as the next person. If you want to have a _Star Wars_ marathon in Rec Room 3, I'm all about it. (Although I do think you would be better off skipping 1, 2, and 3 but that is just my personal preference.) _Gone With The Wind_? A fine example of classic of Earth cinema. _War and Peace, Unabridged_? Sure, go for it, all 14 hours of it. _Debbie Does Delta Vega_? Absolutely not. _Orion Girls Acting Badly on Springbreak_? Not on my ship. Let's consider the difference for a moment. Or allow me to sum it up: STOP SHOWING PORN. This is the very last time I am warning you. The next crewmember caught with any type of pornographic media outside of his/her quarters will be brought up on charges and court-martialed. This is non-negotiable and I _will_ have you arrested. And just for the record, I do NOT own any of the porn titles listed. They are just random examples which I found in the Intergalactic Movie Database, a fine storehouse of information on all types of movies and other media.

10) There will be a mandatory series of workshops on "Starfleet Regulations I Must Know, Love, and Follow". Each and every crewmember is required to attend all five of these seminars. Attendance will be taken. Those who fail to appear will be officially reprimanded. See your direct supervisor for your assigned times and locations. (Please note that _mandatory_ means "authoritatively ordered; obligatory; compulsory" – i.e. you _will_ be there.)

**  
MEMO**:

To: Captain James T. Kirk  
From: Lt. Sulu  
Re: Possible Clandestine Speculation

Captain,

I'm really sorry. I won't do it again. Truthfully, I didn't think you would find out. Would you be wiling to tell me who told you? I'm always looking for a new fencing partner.

Apologetically yours,  
Hikaru Sulu

**MEMO**:

To: Lt. Sulu  
From: Captain James T. Kirk  
Re: Apology Accepted

No, I won't tell you who told me. And I'm guessing by "fencing partner" you really mean "target whom you fully intend to run through completely by accident."

**  
MEMO**:

To: Captain James T. Kirk  
From: Chief Engineer Scott  
Re: Your Memo Concerning Crew Behavior

Captain,

I'm sorry about those crew who showed up for their shifts less than able to perform their responsibilities to the very best of their abilities. If I were privy to the whereabouts of the alleged still you alluded to (which I'm not since it surely does not exist), I would advise those who are stationed nearest to it to question the crew as to whether or not they are expected on duty. But of course this is all pure speculation.

Also, thanks for helping me correct the replicator programming. If you were to accidentally tell me who did it, the atmospheric controls in their quarters might inadvertently begin to malfunction.

Gratefully and watchfully yours,  
Scotty

**MEMO**:

To: Chief Engineer Scott  
From: Captain James T. Kirk  
Re: Your Response to My Memo Concerning Crew Behavior

Scotty,

Since you don't know anything about there being a still on board Enterprise, and most especially don't know that it might be located in Engineering, I appreciate your offer to help ensure no more of the crew report for duty drunk.

No, I'm not going to tell you who reprogrammed the replicators. I told you that already. I'll take care of it. You have my word. Revenge is mine, sayeth the Captain.

**  
MEMO**:

To: Captain James T. Kirk  
From: Ensign Pavel Chekov  
Re: Thank you!

Captain,

Since you issued your memo, no one has patted me on the head. And I haven't had to explain to anyone that my Мать и отец (mother and father) have no intentions of putting me up for adoption.

I don't mind being called adorable but I do prefer handsome, brilliant, suave, worldly. I'm not saying I am any of those things, yet. But I'd like to be, just like you are.

Appreciatively yours,  
Pavel

**MEMO**:

To: Ensign Pavel Chekov  
From: Captain James T. Kirk  
Re: You're Welcome

Pavel,

Please do remember that anyone placed on a pedestal is bound to fall from it eventually. Especially starship captains.

**  
MEMO**:

To: Captain James T. Kirk  
From: CMO Leonard McCoy  
Re: You Are Officially No Longer My Best Friend

"Grumpy?" Seriously? "In a particularly bad mood?" You haven't seen a bad mood, buddy! "It makes him even more angry?" Really? Don't speak to me again. Not ever. I mean it.

**MEMO**:

To: CMO Leonard McCoy  
From: Captain James T. Kirk  
Re: You Will Be My BFF Until One or Both of Us Die

I love you, man.

**  
MEMO**:

To: Captain Kirk  
From: Commander Spock  
Re: I Request Clarification on Several Points In Your Memo re: Crew Behavior

I have read, several times, the memo you issued on "Questionable Crew Behavior." I have enumerated below those items which I find confusing and/or generally unclear. I trust that we will have time soon to discuss these points so that I may achieve an appropriate level of elucidation:

1) I have been witness to several occasions during which you wore your favorite blue jeans while on the Bridge, despite your assertions to the contrary. I take your memo to mean that you will not wear them while on duty in the future. Also, I would like your assurance that you do not intend to stop wearing them altogether, especially during your time off-duty.

2) Why do you condemn activities in which you actively participate? This is a Human characteristic I do not think I will ever fully comprehend.

3) Ensign Chekov has been extremely patient with the condescension to which he has been repeatedly subjected. If the crew is more respectful of his person, his rank, and his abilities as a result of your directive, I predict that the "hero worship" which the Ensign currently is unable to hide will increase dramatically. (This may be a possible negative side effect of having issued those particular instructions.)

4) I will not be accompanying you to sickbay for the foreseeable future. If you are unable to arrive there unaided, you will need to request assistance from another officer. I am all too aware of the wrath that is a scorned Dr. McCoy. I will not willingly subject myself his temper, even though his acerbic diatribes will be directed at you rather than me. (On a side note, I was under the impression that I was considered your best friend. Is this assumption no longer valid?)

5) If there are crewmembers who wish to utilize dairy products for the purposes you describe, why do they not simply ask for replicated milk? Why possibly endanger the well-being of Lt. M'Ress by requesting that she surrender her allotment of milk-based nourishment for their own purposes? Are there crewmembers who do not wish to see Lt. M'Ress flourish as a valued member of Enterprise crew?

6) It was great relief that the crew discovered that the tampering with the replicators in General Mess had been rectified. They expressed their appreciation to me and asked that I convey same to you. I fail to understand, however, why you did not reverse the errant programming sooner. All Captains have override for all replicators. You could have prevented the carbohydrate overload from the first day it began. Why did you choose to allow the replicators to continue to produce only pancakes?

7) I refer you to my question #2 above.

8) May I request, again, that you explain to me the reason for the existence of SpaceBook? Why does any member of the crew request to "friend" me? We work and live on the same spaceship. Why do I need to be anyone's virtual "friend"? And what is the purpose of the "status updates"? Is it important for those serving on this ship to know that you were late for your shift because you were otherwise occupied in your quarters and lost track of time? I think not.

9) I refer you to my question #2 above. (I do acknowledge, however, that none of the types of materials you refer to in item #9 that are in your possession have been seen outside of quarters.)

10) I have completed my preparation for the workshops I will be conducting: "Appropriate Starfleet Decorum," "Respect for all Lifeforms," and "Responsibilities and Duties of All Starfleet Personnel." I trust that you will be equally prepared for your workshops. Should you require any assistance in preparing for your seminars, I will be fully available to you after our current shift is concluded.

Curiously yours,  
Spock

**MEMO**:

To: Spock  
From: Jim  
Re: Your Request for Clarification

Love,

We'll "discuss" the finer points of my memo after our shift. Allow me, however, to address some of your concerns prior to that (much anticipated) time.

1) Of course I won't stop wearing my blue jeans when we're off-duty. Why would I ever deprive you of the opportunity to remove them so that you can have your way with me? And those times I wore them on the Bridge were anomalies. Really. And I have no plans to do it again. I really can't now, can I?

2) We aren't allowed to have stills on board. I know that, you know that, Scotty knows that. But I'm willing to continue to allow ours if the crew can just stop drinking before their duty shift. Humans are sometimes forced by circumstances, rank, and/or society to publically condemn those activities in which they themselves enjoy engaging. Don't try to understand it on a logical basis. Trust me that it's something we do and we get it.

3) Yeah, the hero worship thing is just about out of control. It's apparently a professional hazard of starship captains. (Not that I can blame him, being uber-awesome as I am.) I guess I need to talk to him, again. I can't really wait for him to outgrow it, can I?

4) Bones will get over being mad at me soon enough. He always does. If you want to be a chicken and stay away when I inevitably have to go see him the next time, fine. Also, he's my best friend-I-don't-have-sex-with. You are my best friend-lover-soulmate-bondmate. Our kind of BFF (with benefits) way outweighs Bones' status of BFF (without benefits.)

5) M'Ress' milk is real. Replicated milk isn't. A fine distinction but one that does make a difference. You'll just have to trust me on this one.

6) I didn't fix the replicators sooner because I wanted a chance to catch the person who did it. And I did. Lieutenant Senacki was dating Lieutenant Powell who is perpetually on a diet. Lt. Senacki wanted Lt. Powell to gain weight so Bones could put him on an even more restricted diet. Lt. Senacki finally came to me and apologized. I put her on report and she will be working Gamma shift for the next quarter. I'm sorry you'll be without her on Beta shift but she has to understand the severe consequences of making her lovers' quarrel so public and so inconvenient to everyone. Lt. Powell confided to me that he's hoping to make up with Lt. Senacki so that their on-again off-again relationship will be on once more. I'm skeptical but you have to give him credit for his devotion. And his forgiving attitude.

7) It's okay with me if the crew engages in wagering, as long as it does not involve me or you or our love-life. Sulu taking bets on me sleeping with Uhura or Bones or some as yet unidentified crewmember/diplomat/lifeform we may encounter on our next away mission is extremely disrespectful to you. He knows we're bonded. The entire crew knows we're bonded. Starfleet knows we're bonded. Anyone who accepts one of his wagers on me having sex with anyone but you is taking a fool's gamble. And he knows it.

8) Really, love, stop trying to understand the appeal of SpaceBook. You never will. Humans have a need to connect to each other – a genetic imperative. Yes, the status updates are stupid. And no, the crew didn't really need to know I reported late to the Bridge because you were in the middle of driving me wild with your tongue. (Although it is still surprises the hell out of me that you lost track of time. We'll have to try the Pendari two-step again soon. Maybe on shore leave.)

9) Some of the porn I supposedly own is yours. Don't pretend it's not. And I refer you to my answer to your inquiry #2 for further explanation as to why I have to tell them to stop showing it. And I did say to stop showing it in public. I have no intention of stopping our private showings.

10) Yes, I am fully prepared for my workshops: "Anti-Harassment Training: Gender-based, Age-based, Species-based, Religion-based – All Biases Equally Abhorrent," and "Alerting Your Superior Officers to Ill-advised Activities is NOT Tattling." I will, however, gladly accept your offer to help me make absolutely certain that I am prepared. Now would be good. Since Alpha shift is officially over. I'll be waiting in our quarters. Wearing (temporarily) your favorite blue jeans. Do hurry.


	2. We STILL Have Rules For a Reason

**MEMO**:  
To: The Finest Crew in Starfleet  
From: Captain James T. Kirk  
Re: Follow-up to Previous Memo: Questionable Crew Behavior

I want to thank all those members of our crew, still the finest in Starfleet, who have modified their behaviors in accordance with the previously issued memo concerning behaviors which needed to be altered and/or eliminated. In addition, thank you all for faithfully attending the mandatory seminars conducted by me and Commander Spock. Your cooperation and participation will ensure that we remain the finest crew in Starfleet.

Since the conclusion of those seminars, however, there have been new behaviors which have come to my attention and which need to desist immediately. Along with those behaviors we have succeeded in eliminating, please be cognizant that the following behaviors likewise will no longer be tolerated:

1) I have no objection to the current or continued presence on Enterprise of domesticated companions. If you want to have a cat or a dog, I'm good with it. However, Lt. Sulu has lost all patience with your animals running amok through his gardens. The greenhouses which Lt. Sulu and members of the botany staff maintain are for scientific research and the continued good health of the crew. They are NOT a dog run where your dog can relieve itself. If you can't train your dog to use an approved disposal device maintained within your quarters, you will be required to remove the dog from the ship. I will have the DNA of all dogs cataloged if you force me to do so. This will give me the definitive answers as to which dogs are allowed to use the greenhouses as a dog run. And the owner of said dogs will not like the consequences when I determine his or her identity. Push me hard enough and I will allow Lt. Sulu to use you as target practice as he prepares for the Intergalactic Fencing Championship. Or I'll let him use your dog. Word of advice - keep Fluffy out of the garden and therefore safely away from Lt. Sulu's foils.

2) Lt. Uhura is not now nor has she ever been your personal communications assistant. If you continue to request that she translate the latest issue of _Orion Girls Gone Wild_ or _Intergalactic Playpersons_, I will bring you up on charges. Why do you care what it says? Don't tell me you read the articles. I know better. The icy stare of fury many of us have already been subjected to from Lt. Uhura will pale in comparison to the consequences if you don't stop asking her. And no, she didn't "make" me include this in the memo. I am the Captain. She can't "make" me do anything. Seriously.

3) I may have been overly hasty in my previous memo concerning certain Enterprise personnel. Dr. McCoy is a well respected, highly trained physician. Personality traits aside, I can assure you that should you be ill or injured, you do not want anyone other than our very own CMO treating you. His skill is unparalleled, his knowledge of Human and non-Human conditions encyclopedic, and his ability to diagnose and treat almost all known illnesses nearly magical. I know I speak for the entire crew when I say that we are blessed to have Dr. Leonard McCoy aboard our starship and we must not neglect to thank him, as his due.

4) As is true with most of his species, Commander Spock is able to communicate telepathetically with most sentient life forms. (And just as an aside, if he were to communicate with you in this manner, I would NOT be able to hear what you were thinking. Just so we're clear on that.) However, let me remind everyone for what I trust will be the last time – his telepathy is restricted to **sentient** beings. He cannot determine why your iPod has stopped working. He cannot mind meld with your computer to determine if it is infected with the Cardassian Ring-worm Virus. (If you follow standard Starfleet protocol in protecting your computer, this would not even be a concern to you.) He does not mind meld with the coffee pot in our quarters so that the coffee will be ready just as I'm leaving for Alpha shift. (Scotty made me a timer for that.) And even if he were capable, he will not now nor EVER mind meld with your dog to find out why it's acting depressed. Same goes for your hyperactive cat. Deal with it yourself. Stop asking him. When you make him cranky, you make me cranky. Is that really what you want to happen? I don't think so.

5) I am the first to admit that replicated food is often less than satisfactory. I know that Starfleet continues to expend enormous amounts of money and personnel time on attempting to make replicated food more appetizing and palatable. That being said, it is utterly unacceptable for anyone to utilize the science lab equipment for cooking. Yes, I have seen the melted marshmallow remains dripped on the Bunsen burners. If you just have to have s'mores, wait until shore leave when you can use a real campfire. Nor is it appropriate to use the warp engines to heat the actual, homemade stew your mother sent you for your last birthday. Scotty doesn't appreciate having to clean up after you and I don't want to have to clean up Scotty's mess when he has his revenge. Which he will.

6) There is no regulation concerning romantic liaisons between crew members and I am pleased when two (or more) of our crew find that special someone (or someones). Remain aware, however, that all electronic messages sent via Starfleet Communication Service are in fact the property of Starfleet. This is their rule, not mine. If you send sentiments of your undying devotion to the person with whom you are involved, Starfleet has the authority to read and review said messages. If you need to emphasize to your true love those physical and/or mental aspects that are the most appealing, cataloging them can be a successful seduction technique but one that Starfleet can use to bring you up on charges if things turn out badly. I recommend that you establish a personal account on one of the millions of free messaging services available for just such purposes. Googlegalaxy Mail is a reliable, free service with intergalactic coverage. You will be able to send and receive your personal messages from nearly every quadrant of the known universe, preferably on your own personal computer. Because your Starfleet issued computer is also their property. Anything on said computer is also their property. Keep this in mind before you download any more episodes of _Naked Survivor: Nibia_.

7) I am unclear as to what part of _Only Starfleet personnel are allowed on starships_ remains unclear to certain members of the crew. Diplomats and their parties do have official authorization to come aboard. Otherwise, and let me repeat, _Only Starfleet personnel are allowed on starships. _The next person who beams aboard with someone he or she just met on shoreleave will be put into the brig. Immediately. And your "guest" will be sent back to the planet in whatever state of dress he or she may be at the time he or she is discovered. And the guilty crewmember will have his or her shore leave privileges revoked. Permanently. Only starship Captains can authorize the presence of non-Starfleet personnel on his starship. Trust me when I tell you that the belly dancer you met on Risa meets none of the qualifications that would permit him or her to be beamed aboard. I will NOT authorize the presence of your latest infatuation no matter how many times you ask me to. The answer is no. And don't think you'll succeed in your end-around by asking Commander Spock. Two words – telepathetically linked. Need I say more?

8) As I had thought I had made abundantly clear in the mandatory seminar "Anti-Harassment Training: Gender-based, Age-based, Species-based, Religion-based – All Biases Equally Abhorrent," we will show equal respect to all of our personnel. Asking Ensign Chekov to repeatedly recite _Victorious Victor valiantly vaulted very vivacious_ is an example of the type of behavior that will NOT be tolerated. There is not any way for me to make this more plain. Stop amusing yourself at his expense. It is intolerable. The next crew member caught asking him (or even suspected of thinking of asking him) to recite said passage will be required to compose a twenty page essay on _Respecting Our Differences_. And Commander Spock will grade the essay, not me. (Trust me – this is a fate you should do everything in your power to avoid.) Should Commander Spock find your essay unsatisfactory, you will be required to discuss the reasons and remediation which you will be required to undertake to make the essay acceptable to him. Do remember that English is his first language. If it is not yours, you are allowed to request assistance from any member of the crew willing to help, except Lt. Uhura. Don't ask her. Please.

Again, thank you for your skill and talent which keeps Enterprise the flagship of Starfleet. Once these behaviors are eliminated, we will truly be the finest example of Starfleet personnel serving today. And Admiral Nogura may finally leave me alone. We can only hope.

**MEMO**:  
TO: Captain James T. Kirk  
FROM: Lt Nyota Uhura  
RE: Thank you, I think

_Captain,_

I appreciate you calling off those members of your crew who continually request that I translate their "reading" material. Really, some of your crew are less mature than you are, which I find amazing and a little frightening.

That being said, do you really think it's in your best interest to publically admit that you are terrified each time you are subject to "the icy stare of fury"? And I will keep your secret, that I didn't "make" you include this particular request in your memo. There are lots of things I am capable of "making" you do and you would be really smart to remember that.

She who has your number-  
Uhura

**MEMO**:  
TO: Nyota  
FROM: _Captain_ James T. Kirk  
RE: You're welcome?

Seriously, what makes you think I'm scared of you?

And if any of the crew continue to bother you, I know you'll let me know. I'll take care of it. Immediately. Even if it's the middle of ship's night and I have to put my uniform back on in the complete dark so as not to wake up Spock to see to your concerns. Because that's the kind of guy I am.

**MEMO**:  
TO: Captain James T. Kirk  
FROM: Lt. Hikaru Sulu  
RE: Botany Labs and Domesticated Companions

I appreciate your memo concerning keeping the dogs out of the gardens. It had gotten completely out of control. You won't need to DNA tag the dogs. Pavel and I installed new security cameras in all the gardens so we'll be able to see the culprits right after they've been to the gardens. And can I really use the offending dogs for fencing practice? Or at least their owners?

He who hates all dogs-  
Hikaru

**MEMO**:  
TO: Lt. Sulu  
FROM: Captain Kirk  
RE: Cameras and Target Practice

You know you can't really use the dogs or their owners for target practice, as much as I wish it weren't against regulations. Sadly, it is. Thanks for installing the cameras. I'll let you review the tapes and if you find the ones who continue to ignore my latest directives, alert me. I'll deal with them in an approved manner which will not include foils and/or sabers. But you can be sure that when I'm finished with them, they won't make that same mistake. I can promise you that.

**MEMO**:  
TO: Captain James T. Kirk  
FROM: CMO Leonard McCoy  
RE: "Overly Hasty" Evaluation of Some Enterprise Personnel

You are an ass-kisser of the first caliber. You know that, right?

He who is not fooled by you for one minute-  
Bones

**MEMO**:  
TO: CMO Leonard McCoy  
FROM: Captain Kirk  
RE: Still BFFs?

It wasn't ass-kissing. It was the truth. You are the BEST. That's why you will be my BFF forever. (Sorry about the redundancy. Just wanted to emphasize the **forever** part.) Love you, man.

**MEMO**:  
TO: Captain James T. Kirk  
FROM: Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott  
RE: Appreciate Your Help, and Apologies

Thank you for asking that the crew not heat their personal stash of food on the warp engines. It had started making an awful mess. I will miss being the beneficiary of any leftovers but that is strictly off the record, obviously.

I have talked to Keenser about beaming aboard unauthorized beings. He claims he doesn't do it but I've seen the security tapes, as I am sure you have. I canna explain why he ignores Starfleet regulations but I've told him the next time he does it, I'll personally maroon him on Delta Vega where he'll spend the rest of his life running from Polazillas.

He who has stopped trying to understand the behaviors of others-  
Scotty

**MEMO**:  
TO: Scotty  
FROM: Captain Kirk  
RE: You're Welcome and Not to Worry

I'm willing to continue to look the other way if you want to allow the crew to heat their food on your engines. I won't, however, assign any maintenance crew to clean up after the invariable explosions resulting from under-ventilated containers. That's between you and the crew who cause the mess.

I trust Keenser will finally take seriously the prohibition of beaming aboard unauthorized lifeforms. Otherwise I'll lock the transporters and only I or Spock will be able to use them. Which might be fine during the day. But you don't want to have to contact us at night, after we've gone to bed. I can't guarantee we'll respond, if you know what I mean.

**MEMO**:  
TO: Captain James T. Kirk  
FROM: Ensign Pavel Chekov  
RE: Thank you, again!!

Captain,

Since you issued your most recent memo, not a single member of the crew has asked me to recite anything that will result in them laughing. Hikaru says they are laughing with me not at me. But since I'm not laughing, that hardly seems likely.

The next time someone asks me to recite that stupid phrase, I'll let you know. Vill that be alright?

Thank you again. You really are the Best Starfleet Captain. Ewer.

He who vants to be just like you-  
Pavel

**MEMO**:  
TO: Ensign Chekov  
FROM: Captain Kirk  
RE: Only Doing My Job

Please do let me know the next time a crewmember asks you to recite that phrase, or anything similar. I will deal with them.

And try to remember what I often tell you – hero worship never ends well. For the worshiper or the worshipee.

**MEMO**:  
TO: My T'hy'la  
FROM: Your Love  
RE: Most Recent Memo on Crew Behavior

T'hy'la,

May I request that in future you allow me to read and review the memos you send to the entire crew prior to you broadcasting them? While issuing orders and requesting modifications in crew behavior is one of the unquestioned prerogatives of the Captain, I would have suggested several changes in the wording of the memo without significantly changing the overall intent.

That being said, I require clarification on several points contained in your memo. I will be available at the conclusion of Alpha shift to discuss these with you in person. In our quarters. Where I anticipate you will be wearing your jeans. (I trust you are cognizant of the jeans to which I refer.)

1) While it would almost never occur to me to employ one of the most annoying human expression with which I am acquainted, I believe that I will make an exception in this instance, concerning the presence of dogs and cats on board Enterprise: _I told you so. _I am certain that you recall that I recommended against allowing the crew to have pets. The "enjoyment" the crew receives from the presence of the pets does not justify the inherent chaos and disarray which they cause. May I request, once again, that you reconsider your authorization allowing the domesticated companions?

2) Maybe there are members of your crew who are unaware that you are, indeed, afraid of Lt. Uhura. (And rightfully so.) However, admitting to these fears can only serve to undermine your command status. What if members of the crew begin to request that she make demands of you that are against regulations? What will you do then? (This is one of the sections of the memo that I would have recommended that you reword if you had allowed me to review it prior to its dissemination.)

3) I have no comment on your attempt to "make up" with Dr. McCoy. Absenting myself from what I have heard others refer to as your "lover's quarrel" remains my preferred response. I trust you both will respect my position on this.

4) Thank you for instructing the crew to stop asking me to attempt telepathetic communication with inanimate objects. It had become tiresome. I must protest, however, your reference to those requests making me "cranky." Vulcans do not become cranky. Did Dr. McCoy tell you to say that? It sounds suspiciously like something he might say when he thought I could not hear him. (This is another example of wording that might have been better altered prior to transmission.)

5) Were those not, in fact, our marshmallows that ended up on the Bunsen burners? I do recall advising against roasting them in the lab but you chose to ignore my protests, again. Yes, I did very much enjoy the s'mores but I am unable to understand why you did not remove the evidence before we left the labs. I am fairly certain that the stew to which you refer as being spread over the warp engines is not yours. Since you refuse to eat stew of any type, replicated or "real," I am confident you are not the culprit in this instance.

6) You have never had any objection to the crew using the Starfleet Communication Service prior to the time when you began to receiving messages of a personal nature which did not originate with me. Are you certain that you want the crew to obtain personal accounts with Googlegalaxy Mail? How will you know who sent the message when the sender is only referred to as _cupcakelover444_? When messages are sent via Starfleet Communication Service, you are certain of the identity of the sender and can address the situation personally. Whatever the content of the message may be.

7) If you fulfill your threat of locking the transporter so that only you and I are capable of operating it, you will be the one who gets up in the middle of the night. I will not. And do not concern yourself with waking me up when you leave. I will fall back asleep before you reach the door to our quarters. I will _not_ wait up for you. I will _not_ accompany you. I will sleep quite well while you are gone. (As a bonus, I will not have to fight for the covers in your absence.) Ask security to review the tapes in the transporter room more closely. It is not possible for the operator of the transporter to remain anonymous each time unauthorized personnel are beamed aboard. Then we can both be assured that our sleep will be undistributed. (More importantly, the time we spend prior to actually falling asleep will not be interrupted.)

8) I have witnessed your attempts to have Ensign Chekov recite that ridiculous phrase on more than one occasion. Because of his total loyalty and unquestioned devotion to you, he always does as you ask. Is your behavior appropriate? I think not. You should not take advantage of the fact that he suffers from hero-worship for your amusement. I would never resort to suggesting that your behavior is hypocritical but you may consider that possibility the next time you are about to ask the Ensign to say it. And should you choose to ignore my advice on this, it will be you who composes the 20 page essay on _Respecting Our Differences._

I look forward to discussing these items and other topics of importance once we are in our quarters. I trust you will arrive as soon as Alpha shift is concluded. Which is in 14.3 long minutes.

**MEMO**:  
TO: My Love  
FROM: Your T'hy'la  
RE: Your Response to My Most Recent Memo

Love,

I promise that next time I'll let you read the memo before I send it out. I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You know I didn't mean to. Before I get to our quarters (and change into my jeans ;-), let me address some of the concerns you expressed in your memo. Give us more time for other decidedly more pleasant activities.

1) I'm not rescinding my authorization for pets to be onboard. The crew does work really hard to keep the chaos to a minimum. Once they stop letting them run wild in the gardens, it will be all good. The crew loves having cats and dogs. I know you can't really understand our sentimental attachment to those little creatures but they bring us great comfort. Not to worry though – I won't be bringing one to our quarters. Bones would kill me if the allergies didn't first. Some of the dogs don't cause me to stop breathing but most of the cats do. I'm fated to be petless. But I do have you to keep me warm so I really don't mind.

2) I am NOT scared of Lt. Uhura. I don't know why everyone keeps saying I am. I'm the Captain. Why should I be scared of her? Because she shoots silent daggers at me every time I look at her? Because she still blames me for the fact that the two of you broke up? Blame which is utterly misplaced, BTW. Because the first time I met her, I hit on her? She was in a bar. What did she think would happen? Of course I hit on her. Imagine how angry she'd be if I had ignored her. I shudder to think. But I'm NOT scared of her. And I'd appreciate it if you would stop saying that I am. And if any of the crew try to get around regulations by asking her to ask me, I'll put a stop to it immediately. Or make you do it. Not that I'm scared to tell her, but rank does have its privileges.

3) Bones and I are not having a "lovers' quarrel." I told you – we've never been lovers. I just want him to stop being so pissed at me. I'm sure he'll get over it, eventually. Do you think more ass-kissing would help? Would you talk to him, please? I know you said you were staying out of it but he's your friend too. Don't you want us all to be happy? Together? Kthnx.

4) You do too get cranky when a member of crew asks you to mind meld with their Xbox 2880 because it ate their copy of Final Fantasy CDXXXII. I probably shouldn't have said that, though. Sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise. And no, Bones didn't tell me to put that in there. Honest.

5) I don't hate all stew. Well, most of it I do. You know how I feel about mashed up food. Those potatoes don't need to be touching those carrots. And yes, that was our marshmallow on the Bunsen burners. That one time. And why are you even pretending that we could have cleaned it off? We had to get back to our quarters or risk being discovered in the labs naked. There have been other marshmallows that weren't ours. So my edict stands. No more s'mores in the science labs. Next shore leave we'll make some. I promise.

6) Actually Starfleet said I had to send out this part of the memo. They seem to think there are too many messages of undying devotion being sent over their official channels. Whatever. If I get any anonymous messages from _cupcakelover444_, I'll delete them without reading them. 'Cause I know they won't be from you. If you get any from _spockloverat__googlegalaxymail_, I trust you'll open it. You won't be sorry. And your computer won't be infected with Cardassian ring-worm. These will be messages of undying devotion and other information you'll find utterly fascinating.

7) I'm not going to lock the transporter, I promise. Scotty checked the security tapes again and threatened Keenser with bodily harm if he beams aboard any more unauthorized beings. And don't try that _I will sleep quite well while you are gone_ bullshit on me. I know better. When I have to leave in the middle of the night, I know you are awake the entire time I'm gone. Why would you even bother to pretend otherwise? And you are the one who always takes the covers. I don't need 6 blankets to sleep. You do. All I need is you. And despite your protests, you need me. At the risk of being redundant, let me remind you of two words previously used: telepathetically linked. 'Nuff said.

8) Okay, asking Chekov to recite _Victorious Victor valiantly vaulted very vivacious _is admittedly immature and utterly un-captain-ly. But as he might say – it is so comedy and we are so laughing – when he does it. I'll stop asking. The only 20 page essay I have any interest in writing is a list of the ways in which I intend to distract you. The oral part of the essay will be especially enjoyable. If you know what I mean.

See you in our quarters. NOW. Yeah us.


	3. We Even Have Rules At Christmas

**MEMO:**

TO: The Finest Crew in Starfleet  
FROM: Captain James T. Kirk  
RE: Upcoming Earth Winter Celebrations and Expected Crew Behavior

As we approach the traditional Earth Winter Celebrations, it is timely for me to remind the finest crew in Starfleet what is and is not considered acceptable behavior aboard our starship. Perhaps keeping these guidelines in mind will help us avoid some of the unfortunate instances which occurred last winter, and for which Starfleet Command has yet to completely absolve us. We _can_ find an appropriate balance between celebrating the upcoming holidays AND adhering to appropriate crew behavior.

I am enumerating below those items of which I am requesting the crew remain cognizant as we celebrate the holidays and our joy at being one big happy family:

1. It is fine if you want to make eggnog in your quarters. It is also fine to share it with anyone who enjoys it and/or is not allergic to it. It is NOT fine to spike it with rum and then give it to certain below-the-legal-age-for-drinking bridge personnel. And if anyone provides our underage navigator with spiked eggnog this year, I will find out who did it, and you will live to regret it.

2. You are welcome to have what Spock insists on calling replica conifers in your quarters. You're welcome to put on it strings of miniature electric lights and all manner of ornaments. You are not, however, permitted to have a live tree in your quarters. You are also expressly forbidden from putting actual candles on real or artificial Christmas trees. It's both dangerous _and_ against regulations. Do you want to be the one who has to spend this Christmas in rec room 2 like Ensigns Porter and Jones did last year when they tried to incinerate the entire ship? I know it was an accident. I know Porter forgot to blow out the candles before she came to the party. But it still caused considerable damage to their quarters and resulted in the evacuation of their entire corridor. So no real trees and **no** candles on your tree. None.

3. For the final time, Spock is NOT one of Santa's elves. Yes, I know there is a resemblance between Spock and the traditional depiction of Santa's elves, including his green skin and pointed ears. But Spock is NOT one of them. He doesn't wear pointed shoes with bells on them (not even in the privacy of our quarters). He cannot convey your list of requested Christmas gifts to Santa. He has never played reindeer games. He has never met Rudolph and therefore can neither confirm nor deny that his nose seems to glow. Seriously, can you imagine Spock at the North Pole? Two words – _DESERT DWELLER_. The next person who asks him what it's like to be one of Santa's helpers will be put on report and will not be allowed to attend any of the forthcoming celebrations. I trust I have made myself clear on this point.

4. Mr. Scott is the finest chief engineer in all of Starfleet. No one can doubt this. However, he is NOT going to make it snow in Rec Room 1 for our annual Christmas party. It would be a tremendous waste of water, time, resources, and energy. I know you want a traditional white Christmas. I understand the nostalgia you feel when it snows on a planet we happen to visit. But it is NOT going to snow on board my starship. Not this year. Not next year. Not ever.

5. To whomever iced over shuttle bay 3, it would have been nice to if you had requested permission _before_ flooding the bay and opening the bay doors. However I know that many of our crew miss the opportunity to go ice skating, especially around Christmas. Since snow IS OUT OF THE QUESTION, I will allow the ice skating rink to stay for the duration of the holidays. Henceforth Bay 3 will be known by code name Rockefeller Center.

6. While Lt. Uhura does resemble an angel, **stop** asking her to sit atop your tree. It is disrespectful and anatomically impossible. She is a respected Starfleet officer, not a decorative ornament. And she does not appreciate being asked, repeatedly, where she left her halo or if she has yet to earn her wings. She is from Earth. She did not fall from Heaven. Your juvenile pick-up lines were out of date three centuries ago when they were first used. Leave her alone or I'll allow her to tell you where you can put your Christmas tree. And it won't be in the corner of your quarters.

7. Dr. McCoy is NOT the Grinch. His heart and his shoes are NOT three sizes too small. He does not sit in his quarters just hating the Whos (or the crew). He doesn't have a dog, much less one named Max. He has never taken the Who-feast including the roast beast. And he doesn't take the last can of Who-hash. He has never given Little Cindy Lou Who who is no more than two a cup of water. He's a doctor, dammit. Not a cartoon character.

8. Anyone who attempts to beam aboard a horse this year will be transferred off this ship. Immediately. We cannot have sleigh rides through corridors and it is entirely inappropriate (not to mention cruel) to try to tie antlers to the horse's head so it will resemble a reindeer. At the risk of being repetitious, we are a starship, not an ark. No livestock of any type is allowed on board. So that pretty much means, Sulu, that if you want to reenact your living nativity, you better use cardboard cutouts of camels, sheep, cows, and any other animals that might have resided in the stable at the birth of the Christ Child. (Although I do admit that Chekov looked awfully cute wrapped in swaddling clothes, laying in the manger. But don't do that to him again, please. He'll never forgive either of us.)

9. It is not appropriate to ask any of the bridge crew to scan the sector of space in which we are travelling to see if they can find signs of a jolly old elf in a sleigh being pulled by 8 tiny reindeer. If you really have to know where Santa is at any given time, go to NORAD. Use Googlegalaxy - you'll find it. They follow Santa's course every year. The sophisticated and state-of-the-art instrumentation on the bridge of our starship does NOT track Santa's journey. Don't even ask.

10. You are welcome to play Holiday music on your own personal devices. You are welcome to play it in the mess, providing the others present do not object. We will certainly have music at our annual party. However, under NO circumstances is anyone allowed to play the following songs anywhere that I might hear them. I asked you to stop last year. This year if you play them, I'm putting you on report. No, I'm not kidding:

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." WTF - is any song LESS in the spirit of the holidays? Not in my recollection.

"My Favorite Things." OMG - I love "Sound of Music" as much as the next person. But that is NOT a Christmas song. How it ever got connected with the holidays is one of the universe's constant mysteries.

"The Christmas Shoes." Just don't go there.

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." The original version is bad enough. But whoever changed the lyrics so it now says "I Saw the Captain Kissing Mr. Spock" will be put on report as soon as Spock figures out who did it. It's not that it's not true. And we don't need mistletoe to entice us to do it. But the song is stupid, the music horrific, and the revision…disrespectful. Yeah, that's it.

"12 Days of Christmas." I don't really mind this song but once Spock hears it a couple of times, it repeats in his head over and over and over again. Trust me. You do not want to spend an entire shift on the bridge when I haven't been able to sleep because he's calculating how many swans a swimming the recipients ends up with, how many square meters of water she would need for all of them, and how much it cost her suitor to provide all of those gifts. Best we just don't play that song. Ever again.

In the spirit of the forthcoming Holidays, I am going to allow all crewmembers to wear whatever they wish on the Earth day of Christmas. Please keep in mind that "whatever" applies only to those items of clothing considered appropriate to be worn in public – jeans and sweaters are fine. Leggings with a cropped top are NOT. If you are in doubt as to what may or may not be appropriate, please consult Lt. Uhura. She has graciously agreed to be the arbiter of "appropriate" causal clothes.

Thank you in advance for your efforts to adhere to these rules. Should you wish to discuss any of them with me, you are welcome to do so. You will not, however, change my mind. Just so we're clear on that. It does really rock to be Captain.

**  
MEMO:**

TO: Captain James T. Kirk  
FROM: Lt. Uhura, Earth Angel  
RE: It won't help

_Captain_,  
While I appreciate your efforts to stop your crew from hitting on me, using old, tired clichés to try it, you won't be able to stop them. Especially since they have all witnessed you trying them on me. Even after you and Spock became an item. I still don't know how he can put up with your juvenile behavior but I do admit I've never seen him happier. Yes, I can tell.

If any of your crew sneaks past me in leggings and a cropped sweater, let me know. So far everyone who has come to me for advice have shown a surprising level of maturity and appropriateness, something you might consider learning from them.

Will you save me a dance at the Christmas party? Maybe that will prove to the crew that we've made up and I no longer have plans to…show you disrespect. Or any part of my anatomy. Just so we're clear on _that_.

**MEMO:**

TO: Angel Uhura  
FROM: Jim Kirk  
RE: At least I tried

Of course I'll save you a dance. I'm flattered you asked. And thanks for agreeing to be the "gatekeeper" on casual Christmas outfits. Anyone who shows up dressed in a CFM outfit will be sent directly to you to deal with them. (Spock would never forgive me if I said they had to come to me. A sacrifice worth making for him!)

If anyone tries to hit on you, I hope you'll tell me. I promise I won't laugh this time. I'll tell them individually to stop. If that doesn't work, I'll send Spock to tell them. And I promise not to hit on you as much. You'd know I was lying if I said I'd stop completely. Especially since we are the two most beautiful people on this or any other spaceship. And I can assure you that Spock agrees. And since he's also one of the most beautiful individuals ever to exist, it's only appropriate that he's dated us both. Too bad you never said yes to me so we'd all be even.

But that's not really the point, is it? Thanks again for the promise of the dance. And do let us know if anyone makes inappropriate advances to you. We'll stop it, I promise.

**  
MEMO:**

TO: Captain Kirk  
FROM: Lt. Sulu, Noah of the Enterprise  
RE: Living Nativity

I'm sorry, again, about the mess the animals made last year. We won't use live ones in this year's nativity, I promise. And Chekov has repeatedly refused to portray Baby Jesus so we may have to use a doll. Can I count on you to be Joseph again? Uhura said she would be Mary if you promise not to pinch her as you make your way to "Bethlehem." Mr. Spock will be one of the wise men, with Scotty and Dr. McCoy the other two.

I won't bring any live animals on board, I promise. And let me know about being Joseph when you get a chance.

**MEMO:**

TO: Lt. "Noah" Sulu  
FROM: Captain "Joseph" Kirk  
RE: This Year's Nativity

Of course I'll be Joseph again this year. And I won't pinch Lt. "Mary" Uhura. That would be disrespectful both to the mother of the Messiah and to our splendid communications' officer.

Don't worry about the mess the animals made last year. As long as I have your promise you won't bring them aboard again, we'll consider the matter closed. The crew did enjoy it but it is against regulations.

I'm sure we can find a doll of some sort to represent Baby Jesus. Ask Lt. Matherson to requisition one if you need to. We'll charge it to the "misc. supplies" budget line. Starfleet has long since stopped asking me to explain each of those charges. Something about no other starship needing Star Wars band aids, AA batteries for their lightsabers, or popcorn with extra butter for movie night. Seems like perfectly reasonable supplies to me.

Let me know when rehearsal for the Living Nativity is scheduled. I'll make sure Spock comes. But please let him be the Wise Man who brings the gold. Dr. McCoy said he will do unspeakable things to me this year if I have another allergic reaction to the frankincense or myrrh. Or any other substance you substitute for those two gifts. I know no one else would be allergic to pine cones and cedar shavings…but, well, you know.

**  
MEMO:**

TO: Captain Kirk  
FROM: Chief Engineer "No Snow In Our Forecast" Scotty  
RE: Meteorological Phenomena and Livestock Onboard Enterprise

I'm glad to report that so far nobody this year has asked me to make it snow for the party. If they do, I'll tell them no, again.

I was wondering if you have reason to send out a follow-up memo about all of our favorite Christmas traditions if you would mind including a note asking that the crew stop trying to roast chestnuts on my warp engines. The popping and crackling keeps scaring Keenser. He's sure we're under attack and runs and hides. I've tried explaining it to him but since he's not from Earth, he can't understand roasting chestnuts. I'm not entirely sure I understand it myself but the noises the chestnuts make don't send me scurrying to my quarters.

I checked Shuttle Bay 3 - AKA Rockefeller Center - and it appears we have some very talented skaters among the crew. As you requested, I removed the security tape for the timeframe during which the ice appeared and forwarded it to your computer. (If it mysteriously erases itself, I have no backup copies to provide anyone else.) It will be a gargantuan undertaking to clean up all that water but I believe it will be worth the added effort once the holidays are behind us. I have taken it upon myself to adjust the bay temperature to maintain the ice for your skating convenience. Not that you would ever flood a shuttle bay for your own purposes. BTW, we could have the only Starfleet Ice Hockey Team. Might you be willing to requisition skates and sticks? Don't forget the helmets.

I programmed the transporters so that they won't transport livestock for the next month. I don't want to leave the programming permanently since some of the lifeforms we've encountered on certain planets appear to be more bovine than Human. But the programming I put in place will make sure there are no camels brought aboard.

Let me know if there's anything else I can to do help out.

**MEMO:**

TO: Chief Engineer and Meteorologist Scotty  
FROM: Your Grateful Captain  
RE: Snow and Livestock Being Absent From Enterprise

Sounds like the transporter programming you put in place will be helpful. Thanks. Sulu did promise me he wouldn't smuggle any animals aboard so now we should be doubly safe from livestock.

Spock and I will check the security tapes for Shuttle Bay 3. I will speak to the avid ice skater myself and explain that flooding the bay was an inappropriate use of starship facilities. The tape may be accidentally erased. Technology is not flawless, after all. Thanks for maintaining the correct temperature for the ice. I will order the ice hockey equipment ASAP. It will be under the recreational equipment budget so they won't question it, I hope.

I will make a special shipwide announcement concerning the chestnuts. That's just all kinds of wrong. And I'm sorry they scared Keenser. I hope he's okay now.

If there's anything else I need you to help with, you know I'll let you know. And I appreciate your offer.

**  
MEMO:**

TO: Captain Kirk  
FROM: Ensign "Not Baby Jesus" Chekov  
RE: Nativity and Eggnog

Captain,  
He didn't mean to give me spiked eggnog, I promise. And he was sorry after I drank his by mistake. It won't happen again, I promise.

If it isn't way too much to ask, could you tell him, please, that I don't want to be Baby Jesus this year? It's not that I don't wish you were my father. And who wouldn't want to be swaddled by the very beautiful Lt. Uhura? But that cradle is way too small. And it gets really cold laying there. And the animals look way bigger when they are standing over you. Not that it scared me. Because it didn't. Just like it wouldn't scare you.

**MEMO:**

TO: The Very Brave Ensign Chekov  
FROM: Captain Kirk  
RE: Spiked Eggnog and Living Nativity

I know Sulu didn't mean to give you spiked eggnog but he needs to be more careful. I don't blame you. You don't need to worry about it.

I will talk to Sulu and tell him to stop asking you. I have already told him to requisition a doll to stand in for the Christ Child. I think that will take care of it. But if he asks you again, let me know. He and I will have a little chat.

Of course the animals didn't scare you. But since there won't be any real animals in the nativity this year, none of us have to worry about them drooling on us. Thankfully.

Let me know if there is anything else you need to me to help you with. And an early С Рождеством!

**  
MEMO:**

TO: Kirk  
FROM: You haven't seen a Grinch  
RE: Stay away from me. Indefinitely

"He's not the Grinch." Really? Do you have a death wish??? "His heart and his shoes are NOT three sizes too small." My shoes are the perfect size to shove up your….never mind. "He does not sit in his quarters just hating the Whos (or the crew)." Except YOU. You I hate.

**MEMO:**

TO: Dr. "Spirit of the Holidays" McCoy  
FROM: Jim, Your BFF  
RE: I love you, now and always

If you were ever Grinch-like, which I'm not saying you ever were, you are now the after-Grinch. Not the before Grinch. You know, your heart has grown four sizes!! And you can carve the roast beast at the party, I promise.

Still BFFs?

**  
MEMO: **

TO: My T'hy'la  
FROM: Your Love  
RE: Your recent memo: Upcoming Earth Winter Celebrations and Expected Crew Behavior

Love,  
I thought that we had agreed that you would allow me to preview any further memos which you wrote and intended to distribute ship-wide. Perhaps in your haste to prepare our quarters for the upcoming Christmas holidays, you forgot about your promise to me in this regard?

As your latest memo has already been distributed, I would like to request clarification and/or amplification on several of the included points. I trust we will have the opportunity to discuss these as soon as you finish flirting with Lt. Uhura, making Ensign Chekov blush, annoying Dr. McCoy, challenging Lt. Sulu to a duel at ship's dawn, and asking Chief Scott to reconfigure the external sensors to detect Santa and his sleigh:

1. I trust you have no intention of attempting to make eggnog again this year. Nor will you be imbibing in eggnog made by any of the other members of your crew. If you choose to ignore this request, I will not remain awake all night as your body violently rejects that which you drink. And now that you have annoyed (again) Dr. McCoy, I am confident he will also refuse to remain with you as you purge the eggnog you should have never drunk to start with.

2. Wasn't the Christmas tree in our quarters last year real? While I would never accuse my Captain of hypocrisy, this does sound like what other members of the crew might remark as "the pot calling the kettle black." Not that I minded having a decorated, dead tree shoved in the corner of our quarters. But clearly we will not be repeating that experience this year. As you were wise enough to avoid adding candles to the tree, I know there is no need to remind you of the danger inherent in open flame on a starship.

3. Thank you for your attempt to prevent the crew from asking me if I am one of Santa's elves. I do not know that it will stop them from repeating that particularly asinine question. Especially after they have enjoyed three or four cups of spiked eggnog. And I appreciate the fact that you claimed I never wear pointed shoes with bells, even in our quarters. I know how much you enjoy it when I do wear them and I promise to put them on as soon as we complete Alpha shift.

4. Does Engineer Scott have the technology required to make it snow? Or is this simply a request that the crew stop asking him? If he does have the necessary technology, I certainly hope he never utilizes onboard Enterprise. The reduction in the ambient temperature required to preserve the snowfall would be distressful to those of us who were born into more temperate climates.

5. I cannot fail to note that you requested that Shuttle Bay 3 be left frozen only after you had gone skating. Are you planning to erase that portion of the security tapes showing the one who flooded the bay so that I alone will be cognizant of your rink creation and solo skating party? I do admit some surprise at your talent and grace on ice skates. When you told me that you had done a lot of ice skating as a child, I had assumed you meant playing ice hockey. It did not occur to me that you had practiced figure skating. You are very accomplished at this sport, as you are at most everything you attempt.

6. Lt. Uhura is angelic in appearance. And I have been witness to your attempts to flatter her with the "lines" you have told others not to use. Why you continue to flirt with her is entirely mysterious to me. It does not concern me, as Vulcans are not subject to such juvenile and useless emotions as jealously.

7. Why do you continue to antagonize Dr. McCoy? Just as he was finally ready to forgive your previous attacks on his character, you exacerbate the situation by likening him to a mean-spirited, antagonistic, and thoroughly unpleasant persona of Human mythology. He is acknowledged by one and all as your best friend (minus benefits). Does this give you license to be unkind to him? Again, I will not interfere with your lover's quarrel. You started this latest round. You will be solely responsible for the retribution that will undoubtedly be visited on your head.

8. I have agreed to be one of Lt. Sulu's Wise Men for his reenactment of the Nativity. Thank you for issuing the order forbidding live animals aboard Enterprise. It was unnecessary and inherently cruel to the confused livestock. In addition, I approved and forward the requisition made by Lt. Matherson for a doll, male, human, infant. Starfleet is no doubt wondering why we need such an item but as you pointed out, there have been requisitions for even less obvious "supplies." And as they will contact you rather than me for clarification, I had no hesitation in forwarding the requisition.

9. I have nothing constructive to add to your request that the crew cease in the requests that we scan our current sector of the galaxy for the presence of Santa and his sleigh. And I will make certain that the appropriate portion of NORAD is on our computer in our quarters beginning 0001 (one minute past midnight) Earth date 25 December.

10. Those holiday songs which you listed are among the very worst offenders of those songs the crew insists on playing incessantly. However, need I remind you that I find all such selections mundane, repetitious, and hardly qualifying as "music"? I know how much you love them and I do not object to your renditions in the privacy of our quarters, providing you choose some of the less objectionable songs. For instance, "Silver Bells" is descriptive and quite lovely. "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" is mercifully short. And "O Holy Night" sung by artists of great renown is truly beautiful. I know that Lt. Uhura especially enjoys the version sung by early 21st century singer Josh Groban and I concur with her assessment. It will be playing in our quarters when you arrive. We will appreciate the artistry of the song prior to engaging in other activities. Yes, you can wait the 4.47 minutes the song takes from beginning to end.

I look forward to the opportunity to share Bridge duty with you on Christmas day when you will be wearing your jeans and red sweater. Perhaps I will wear casual clothes that day as well. Not jeans but other, appropriate attire.

I trust we will discuss other items in your memo when you arrive at our quarters at end of Alpha shift. Which is only 21 minutes from now.

**MEMO:**

TO: My Love  
FROM: Your T'hy'la  
RE: Memo on Appropriate Holiday Behavior

My love,  
I'm sorry. We did agree that I would provide the memos for your review before I sent them out. I forgot. And there was some urgency to transmitting this memo since Christmas will be here before we know it. Next time, I promise. I won't send it out until I have your seal of approval!

I am very much looking forward to arriving in our quarters at the conclusion of Alpha shift to discuss the finer points of this latest memo, and other equally important items of ship's business. Before that time, allow me to address your response so that we will have dealt with that topic and can move on to more interesting pursuits. _If you know what I mean_.

1. No, I won't be drinking eggnog this year - spiked or otherwise. I swear to you I used to be able to drink it without it doing unspeakable things to me. I don't know why I'm suddenly allergic to it. But not to worry – I learned my lesson. No eggnog this year.

2. Yes the tree we had last year was real. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Again, a mistake I won't be repeating. You know that the last time we were on a starbase, I purchased a small artificial tree. It will look really cute in the corner of our quarters. And I won't put any candles on it. I got lights shaped like candles. Really cute. Maybe we can put the tree up when we finish discussing "ship's business."

3. Of course I told the crew you didn't have pointed shoes with bells. That's our little secret and will remain so. And I am sorry the crew keeps asking for your directions to the North Pole and is Mrs. Claus as jolly as her husband. Maybe this memo will help stop them. If not, let me know who asks you and I'll have a chat with them. They will only get coal in their stocking.

4. No, I don't think Scotty really can make it snow. He is tired of being asked. So maybe this will help stop it. We'll see. And I can assure that we will not be reducing the ambient temperature of any portion of the ship to preserve the snow that will not be falling in the ship. Not to worry. You won't need to borrow my earmuffs, mittens, scarves, or thermal underwear.

5. I know. I shouldn't have flooded and gone ice skating in Shuttle Bay 3. But it is good exercise. And, yes, I took figure skating lessons. Please don't tell anyone. It was figure skating or ballet. Not that there's anything wrong with ballet. But imagine the taunts I would have gotten from dancing. When the neighborhood boys saw me with skates, they were too stupid to figure out they weren't hockey skates. Apparently taking skating lessons was supposed to provide an outlet for some of my "excessive energy." And they didn't think hockey would be a good idea since they seemed to believe I already spent too much time beating the crap out of people. Who knew? Yeah, we'll erase the part of the tape that shows my vandalism. Nobody will know but us, right? I will assign the next three crew members who ask you about being Santa's elf to clean up the mess after the holidays.

6. I flirt with Lt. Uhura because she expects me to. Just like you do. Bones would have be strapped down to a biobed if I didn't hit on her at least once a shift. I _know_ you aren't jealous. That would be way below your dignity.

7. I wouldn't say I antagonize Bones as much as tease him. And he is grouchy. And Grinch-like. I'm not worried about his most recent threats or protests. We're still BFFs and always will be. He can yell at me all he wants. He still loves me. Not the way you do. And I don't have any desire to have hot, steamy, unbridled, uncontrolled sex with him. Oh wait – was that TMI?

8. Thank you for agreeing to be one of Sulu's Wise Men again this year. Starfleet has already contacted me about the requisition for the doll. I told them Bones needed it for demonstration purposes. Fortunately, they didn't ask me what he was planning to demonstrate on it. I guess I should tell him I used his name for my own purposes. Or maybe I won't. I'll tell him if he didn't keep threatening me, I'd be more forthcoming with information. That sounds plausible, right?

9. Thanks for finding NORAD for me. I know it's a silly tradition but I still love watching him cross the universe as he delivers present to good little boys and girls. Thanks for indulging me. I'll make it worth to you, I promise.

10. Are you saying that I shouldn't sing the Christmas carols at the top of my voice? That I may not be the most talented singer you've ever met? Okay. I admit it. I have talents in other areas. And I have heard that rendition of "O Holy Night." It is truly beautiful. And we'll listen to it before we pursue other activities! No way could it be playing while we are involved in….you know.

Yes, I'll be wearing jeans and my red sweater on Christmas. New jeans, not the ones I wear only for you. And if you wear your black velvet shirt with the silver lettering on the cuffs and placket, I'll show my appreciation in a very special way. A Very Special Way.

Now that Alpha shift is finally over, I'm on my way to our quarters. You have on your pointed shoes and nothing else, right, my little elf?!??! Sure hope so.


	4. news for the rule year

**memo**

to: finest, absoluete bestest fleet on a starcrew. Ever. In the history of Ever.  
from: Captain  
re: regarding: news for the rule year

Hey!!

Here's more stuff starfleet said to stop doing. Or start doing right away now. Whatever:

1. no more partying. Naked. Wait. Does that mean no more partying at all? Or no more being naked? What about showers?? _Spock_…???

2, No more food. Fights are prohibited. Oh crap. No more food? Can they do that? Wait. I think it means no more food fights. Yeah. That's what they mean. I guesst aht elimnates Monday night meatball mayhem, huh?

3. Too much fratrenization amongst command and junior crew. Oughtn't that really be between? Not amongst? And isn't amongst just this side of pompus? I'll ask Nyhara tomorrow. God she's hot. Oh sorry Spock.

4. Only regular boring uniforms can be worn on duty. No more cowboy boots or hats or spurs or really sexy shirts that button up the front with snaps that make a really cool pop-popping sound when Spock opens them once we're bck in our quarters all alone. I sure hope what happens after that isn't called partyin' cause they said we can't do that anymore. Jealous. The lot of them.

5. Movie nights can't last all night cause they think we can't operate "at full capacity" if we stay up all night long watching all 15 Rocky movies or more than 17 Halloween movies in a row even if it is Halloween and Chekov I promise to NOT tell anybody that those movies scare you so much you have to sleep in our quarters with us 'cause you're sure you'll be killed by a mad stalker hockey player in the middle of ship's night alhtough I really can't understand why Sulu can't protect you but who am I to judge?

6. They don't want us playing poker anymore. /something about stripe poker being on the security tapes? I don't know what they're talking about, hoenstly. Wait, that should probably be strip poker. Sorry.

7. They said that we can't go to Risa for the next year which seems just a little harsh if you ask me 'cause that fire that burned down the hotel was so totally not our fault. Not at all.

8. Apparently 'you got it' isn't the "right" way to acknowledge orders. They don't much like 'copy that' 'yeppers' 'sure, anything for you you big hunk of handsome' either. Damn sticks in the muds. eVery one of them. 'cept Chirs Pike. We loooooove him.

Okya. Think that's it for now but I just know they're goin' tell me a bunch more stuff later on. And I'll tell y'all as soon as I get it. You know I love you. Rigth?

**MEMO**:

To: Captain James T. Kirk  
From: Commander Spock  
Re: Your memo from New Year's Eve Concerning Crew Behavior

Captain,

I have taken the liberty of correcting the memo which you composed after imbibing in several too many drinks in the traditional celebration of the new solar year on Earth. Once you have recovered from your "mother of all hangover headaches," I trust you will read, approve, and disperse the memo in question.

Please let me know if you have any questions about the modifications I have made. I will be available to discuss these changes at your convenience.

1. The crew must cease in the current habit of uncontrolled bacchanalias which include drinking to excess, eating to excess, and the removal of appropriate attire while still in the company of crewmembers with whom they are not already engaged in a relationship of an intimate nature.

2. There will be no further hostile engagements between crewmembers utilizing food as weaponry. It is a waste of resources, both in terms of the food being thrown and used as projectiles, and the crew hours needed to clean up after the latest battle has occurred. This absolutely eliminates any further meatball volleys on Monday or any other day of the week. Despite best efforts to convince them, they do not concur that it is appropriate training and/or practice for countering actual acts of hostility.

3. StarFleet has once again requested that if members of the crew wish to fraternize with other members of the crew that they are to do so on their time off-duty. There is to be no more "tonsil hockey," "hooking up," "snogging," or "face sucking" while on duty. None.

4. StarFleet has also reminded the crew that only regulation uniforms are to be worn on duty. No civilian attire is appropriate especially on the Bridge. This is an addendum to the reminder previously issued that blue jeans are not now nor have they ever been appropriate attire for the crew of Enterprise.

5. Movie nights must henceforth be limited to the hours of 1800 – 2300. This is adequate time for most cinematic presentation to be concluded. "All nighters" are banned and interfere with crew efficiency in ways that StarFleet finds both unacceptable and disturbing.

6. All games of chance, including poker of any kind, are banned from the ship. StarFleet has made this a regulation and is intent on eliminating poker from all of its starships. Anyone caught engaging in games of chance, including poker, will be put on report and confined to quarters.

7. Regrettably, the crew of Enterprise has been banned from the shoreleave planet of Risa for the duration of one solar year. The authorities on the planet were not convinced that no one from Enterprise was responsible for the fire which destroyed the hotel in which most of the crew was housed. Whether the fire was or was not the fault of a member of our crew, we will be assigned other shoreleave destinations for the next solar year.

8. You are reminded that "yes sir," "no sir," "understood sir," are the appropriate responses to orders, directives, and/or questions from your superiors. Other forms of responses are considered informal and not to be used. You can be court-martialed if you repeatedly disregard this directive. This also includes all responses to Admiral Pike, although he is admittedly less concerned with matters of protocol than many members of the admiralty.

**MEMO**:

To: Spock  
From: Jim  
Re: Latest Rules on Crew Behavior

Love,

Thank you for intercepting the memo before it could be fully dispersed. Although most of the crew was probably way too inebriated to have read it even if you hadn't stopped it from going out ship-wide.

I also appreciate your editing efforts. I have made a few minor changes so that it will be more in alignment with the language and tone I generally use. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns before I send it out.

Thanks again. Love you! Couldn't do it without you!!

1. It has gotten back to StarFleet that we often engage in full-on revelry which, on occasion, ends up with several of our crew loosing their uniforms in public. While I have no intention of banning parties from our ship, please do try to remain fully clothed throughout the entirety of the festivities. Or we'll all be in very hot water. (And I don't mean the kind in a Jacuzzi.)

2. We have to stop having food fights. Their rule. Not mine. I understand why they don't want us wasting the food or the hours it takes to clean up afterwards. But Team Awesome was finally about to overcome the once-commanding lead of Team Completely Illogical so I'm as disappointed as you that we must stop.

3. StarFleet has once again requested that if members of the crew wish to fraternize with other members of the crew that they are to do so on their time off-duty. There is to be no more "tonsil hockey," "hooking up," "snogging," or "face sucking" while on duty. None. Off duty – have at it. As long as all parties are willing, no harm no foul.

4. StarFleet has also reminded the crew that only regulation uniforms are to be worn on duty. Civilian attire isn't appropriate, especially on the Bridge. This is in addition to the reminder previously issued that blue jeans are not now nor have they ever been appropriate attire for the crew of Enterprise. When you're off duty, wear what you want as long as it's "decent." Lt. Uhura continues to be the arbiter of what is and is not appropriate. And no, she doesn't have a built-in prejudice against all green clothes.

5. Movie nights can last only from 1800 to 2300. They said, again, that "all nighters" have to be banned because they interfere with crew efficiency in ways that StarFleet finds both unacceptable and disturbing. Even if I don't agree, I can't do anything about it. But I will talk to them again.

6. All games of chance, especially strip poker, are banned from the ship. StarFleet has made this a regulation and is intent on eliminating betting opportunities from all starships. Anyone caught engaging in games of chance, including poker of any kind, will be put on report and confined to quarters. Again, I think they are being a little draconian and I'll talk to them. No promises though.

7. Regrettably, the crew of Enterprise has been banned from the Risa for the duration of one solar year. The authorities of the planet were not convinced that none of us were responsible for the fire which destroyed the hotel in which we were staying. Whether the fire was or was not our fault, we will be assigned other shoreleave destinations for the next solar year.

8. You are reminded that "yes sir," "no sir," "understood sir," are the appropriate responses to orders, directives, and/or questions from your superiors. Other forms of responses are considered informal and not to be used. You can be court-martialed if you repeatedly disregard this directive. This also includes all responses to Admiral Pike, although he is admittedly less concerned with matters of protocol than many members of the admiralty.

**MEMO**:

To: Jim  
From: Spock  
Re: Your modifications to the memo concerning crew behavior

T'hy'la,

You are, as always, correct concerning your need to make revisions to the modifications I made to your memo. I find no further alterations necessary and trust you will transmit this memo when time allows.

**MEMO**:

To: My Love  
From: Your T'hy'la  
Re: Memo's Been Sent

Now please come to bed. I miss you and I'm cold. Hurry? Mkay. Thnx!


	5. Rules for Shoreleave

This Memo On **Rules** Was Suggested by MegKevin (/u/2002991/MegKevin). I thank you and the crew of the Enterprise thank you!

* * *

**MEMO**

To: The Finest Crew in all of Starfleet  
From: Captain James T. Kirk  
Re: Upcoming and Well-deserved Shoreleave for the Crew

Before we begin making final plans to depart for our upcoming shoreleave, Starfleet Headquarters has asked that I remind you of the rules which govern Starfleet personnel and their actions while off-ship. Many of these rule you already know, but as the admirals pointed out to me, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. (I'm certain our beloved CMO would concur with that! Huh Bones?)

1. I know that I do not need to remind you that no one from the Enterprise can visit Risa for this shoreleave. We cannot return for another 203 Earth days. We are all too aware of the reasons behind this ban and do not need them reiterated at this time. Anyone who ignores this directive and visits Risa will be arrested and court-martialed. Starfleet has provided the administrators of Risa with all of our holographs, official Starfleet identification numbers, and other identifying information which they refused to divulge to me even though I am your Captain and have a "need to know." They apparently see it differently. Oh well. At least I tried.

2. Unless you are going to a shoreleave planet that is specifically designated as "clothing optional" you are required to remain appropriately dressed anytime you are in public – i.e. in the restaurants, on the public streets, in the shops, at the pool, on the beach. Let me thumbnail this for you – unless the resort allows it, _don't_ go naked. And no, it doesn't matter how smokin' hot you are, you still have to remain fully clothed. I double-checked.

3. Dr. Leonard McCoy, our much loved Chief Medical Officer, has requested that I include a reminder that all personnel have easy access to **free** condoms – as many as you want /need /covet. Use them. Do you really want to return from shoreleave and be forced to admit that you ignored his wisdom and as a result contracted Matrorian Malaise? Do you have any idea how many hypos it takes to cure that? NOT that I know from personal experience. I've just heard. So if you're going to engage in recreational sexual encounters, use the condoms!

4. If you choose to engage in dangerous and/or "extreme" sports while on shoreleave (which may or may not include sexual encounters, depending on the species with whom you have said encounters), Starfleet will not be fiscally responsible for any resulting medical treatment, hospitalization, physical rehabilitation, or interment. Anyone wishing to go cliff diving on Byhorka or body surfing on Yryty is advised to take out the accidental death and dismemberment insurance they offer, prior to engaging in these admittedly hazardous leisure activities. Personally, I prefer you return from shoreleave all in one piece but if you feel compelled to fulfill your lifelong dream of bungee jumping off the south wall of the Grand Canyon, Starfleet will not pay to have your leg reattached to your body. Just so we're clear on that.

5. If you were to get arrested while on shoreleave, this too is your problem. Starfleet will NOT send a legal representative of any kind to assist you, bail you out, plead your case, and otherwise try to convince the local authorities that you really did believe that writing your name on the stone wall of the temple using your phaser was a time honored and much beloved tradition. Best we leave our phasers on the ship. And I have no personal experience with experiences of this sort. I've just heard, through the grapevine, as it were. Captains gossip too you know.

6. Do NOT under any circumstance contact Lieutenant Uhura during shoreleave. It is not her responsibility to translate for you what the being you just met in the bar said after you had spent considerable time and credits plying the being with drinks in hopes that the two of you would be spending quality time together. Uhura is NOT available to tell you whether the being you are interested in said "yeah, sure, why not, you aren't so bad for a human," or "not if you were the last sentient being in the universe would I agree to spend time with you but thanks for the drinks." Don't contact her. Please. (If you do determine – totally on your own - a willingness on the being's part to engage in horizontal recreational activities, don't forget to _engage_ safely. Refer to #3 above for the reminder concerning necessary precautions.)

7. Stop asking Chief Engineer Scott about his plans for shoreleave. You know perfectly well he won't take shoreleave when the Enterprise is in for repairs. Why must you continually ask him? So he'll swear at you some more? Seriously and for the last time. He's not taking shoreleave so stop asking him.

8. Do NOT build a bonfire during your time on shoreleave. Not on the beach. Not poolside. Not on the volleyball court. Not in the woods at the edge of town. And definitely NOT inside _any_ structure. Do NOT build a fire. At all!! (Please don't get us banned for other shoreleave planets. Starfleet is running out of places to send us and out of patience.)

9. Commander Spock and I will be taking our shoreleave in an undisclosed location on an undisclosed planet. Chief Scott and Admiral Pike are the only ones who are privy to the actual destination for our leave. You do NOT have permission to ask them where we are simply because you miss us, or you want to get married to someone you met on shoreleave and feel the need to secure my blessing, or worse – you are under arrest and under the impression I'll come get you. I won't. You may contact us only in the case of a legitimate emergency. Chief Scott and/or Admiral Pike are the only ones who are authorized to decide if it is an actual emergency. You are not authorized to make that decision for yourself. And I'm pretty sure you don't want to be the one who wakes up Admiral Pike in the middle of Earth's night to plead your case that you really really do need to talk to me because I'm the only who understands and the only one who can help and it won't take very long, you promise. You can be very sure that if you do manage to contact me while I'm on leave, I will NOT understand, I will NOT help, and I don't give a damn that "it will only take a few minutes." I'm NOT dealing with your "crisis" when I have the opportunity to spend my time in much more enjoyable pursuits. Isn't that right, Spock?

10. Dr. McCoy will be with us on leave in our secret location so don't try asking him where I am. You won't find him. And before any of you allow your fevered imaginations to run wild, we have two **separate** cabins/ chalets/ rooms/ lean-tos/ houses/ accommodations. So if you are having any inappropriate mental images because my BFF (and personal physician who will not render me permanently unconscious by trying to stop an allergic attack to something I've never been allergic to before) is coming with us, stop right now. The first crewmember who smirks inappropriately at any one of the three of us will have your leave revoked. Permanently.

11. As much as I appreciate you thinking of me while you are on leave, it is entirely unnecessary for anyone to bring me a token of your good time. I have no room for replica tikki huts, no real need for puka shell necklaces, no safe place to display snowglobes with miniature versions of the ski resort you visited, and since the Enterprise doesn't have a dashboard per se, no appropriate area to display hula girls that wiggle and wink at you. If you are insistent on procuring a souvenir for me, I have no objections to sampling the local spirits from whichever planet(s) you visit. (And yes Bones I'll give it to you first to analyze to make sure I won't go into anaphylactic shock from drinking it.)

Keeping in mind these rules will help us all enjoy our leave and prevent any unfortunate incidences like the one that occurred on Risa. Most of all, please be careful. We want all the members of our family to return from leave safe and sound, as well as rested and ready to continue our exploration of places unknown.

**MEMO**

To: _Captain_ James T. Kirk  
From: Lt. Uhura  
Re: Appreciate it

_Captain_:  
Thank you for reminding those adolescents you call your crew that I am not their personal translator. Maybe this time they'll listen and I won't have to explain the difference between "sure I'll have dinner with you" as opposed to "sure I'll have your babies." Subtly is as lost on them as it is on you.

Have fun on leave. Some people will miss you, I'm sure. Please don't loose track of Dr. McCoy. We need him back! I'm not worried about Spock. He'll always find his way back here. Which I guess means you will too. Oh well. See you when we're all back safely aboard _your_ starship.

**MEMO**

To: The Lovely and Talented Lt. Uhura  
From: The Equally Lovely and Talented _Captain_ Kirk  
Re: You're Welcome

Do let me know (when we're all back aboard _my_ starship) if any of the crew asked you to be their translator. I'll deal with them, I promise.

We'll keep track of Bones. And Spock will make sure all of us return safely. You can thank him later. Or you can just thank me on general principle. (Just kidding Spock!)

I hope you also have fun on leave. And I know you'll miss me. You just can't admit it – I totally understand. 'Cause I'm awesome like that!

**MEMO**

To: Captain Kirk  
From: Lt. Sulu  
Re: I'll be way more careful this time

Captain,  
You can be sure I won't get hurt this time. Pavel would kill me if I did. We're going to Totoga where swimming in the ocean is the most dangerous thing we'll be doing. Pavel already said I can't go parasailing or scuba diving or cliff diving or sand dune-boarding. I'm a little disappointed but when he asks me not to do any of those things, how I can really ignore him? I can't.

I hope you and Commander Spock have a good time on leave and that Dr. McCoy doesn't spend the whole time telling you what you can't do or eat. Of course, you probably want to listen to him so you'll come back to us all in one piece. Just like I will!

**MEMO**

To: Lt. "Extreme Sports Enthusiast" Sulu  
From: Captain "Better Safe Than Sorry" Kirk  
Re: Thank you for playing safe

Thanks for your assurances that you won't be engaging in any activities which would result in the Enterprise requiring a substitute pilot for an indeterminate amount of time. And I understand how you feel utterly compelled to listen to Pavel when it comes to your safety and well-being.

Have fun and be safe. I look forward to hearing how you spent your leave (safely) when we're all back.

**MEMO**

To: Captain James T. Kirk  
From: Ensign Pavel Chekov  
Re: Thank you so much, sir

Hikaru promised me he won't be getting hurt on shoreleave this time. Thank you sir. It's not a lot of fun to spend shoreleave in a hospital room waiting for Hikaru to recover. Not that I wouldn't do it for him. Because of course I would. But it's much more fun to spend it with him when he's conscious.

And now thanks to your memo, he'll be more careful. And I'll ask him to buy you some of the local vodka from Totoga. I'm sure it's good even though it can't possibly be as good as real vodka from Russia, where it was invented.

I hope you have a really good time on leave. You deserve it. And I'm already looking forward to when we'll be back so I can tell you all about what we did! I'll take lots of holographs!

Thanks again, sir. You really are the best starship Captain ever.

**MEMO**

To: Ensign Chekov  
From: Captain Kirk  
Re: Safe Shoreleave

You are very welcome. If my reminder keeps Sulu out of the hospital, success will be its own reward.

You two have a really good time on shoreleave. I've heard Totoga vodka is pretty good. Not as good as Russian vodka, by any means. I look forward to sampling it when we're all back from leave.

**MEMO**

To: Captain Kirk  
From: Scotty  
Re: Upcoming Shoreleave

Captain,  
I'm sorry about those crew who I may have yelled at for asking me about my plans for shoreleave. Why can't they understand that I don't want to leave My Lady to the infernal meddling of those spacestation know-it-alls? And you can be sure I'll take good care of her while you're off gallivanting with Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy.

You can also be sure that I won't be giving anyone the information about where you'll be staying. It's a secret that is safe with me. If someone asks, and it sounds like it might be a real emergency, I'll see to it that they contact Admiral Pike for the information. That may work to put the fear of God into them and they won't contact the Admiral at all.

Most of all, have fun and please be careful. The Enterprise needs her Captain.

**MEMO**

To: Scotty  
From: Jim Kirk  
Re: I know the Enterprise is in good hands

Scotty,  
Thanks so much for your note. I know you'll watch out for our lady while I'm gone. And if you need me for any reason, you know _you_ have permission to contact me.

Once we're all back aboard, I'll make sure you get a chance to take leave. Anywhere you want, even Risa. Admiral Pike will be able to smooth things over for you, especially since you weren't there during "The Incident."

Thanks again.

**MEMO**

To: The Possibly Soon-to-be-late Captain Kirk  
From: Your Chief Medical Officer, the one who can have you permanently relieved of duty, which you might do well to remember!  
Re: Your latest memo

You never cease to amaze me. You really don't. If I weren't afraid you'd end up dead on shoreleave, I'd stay here. I'd have a much better time, I can tell you that for sure.

**MEMO**

To: My BFF, the best Chief Medical Officer in all of Starfleet and possibly the Universe  
From: Your BFF whom you would miss desperately if you didn't come with us on shoreleave and there's no use denying it because I know the truth

I love you. I know you know that. We're leaving day after tomorrow at 0800. You'll be ready, right?

**MEMO**

To: Captain Kirk  
From: Commander Spock  
Re: Your Memo Regarding Shoreleave

Clearly you have chosen to disregard my previous requests that I be allowed to review all memos prior to their dispersal to the crew. I thought that perhaps after the New Year's Eve Memo (the one you inadvertently entitled "news for the rule year") which as I am sure you recall I intercepted and modified to spare you from embarrassing yourself to the crew, you would have acquiesced to my request to preview all such correspondence. However, as you failed to "learn your lesson" and sent out the latest memo prior to allowing me to review it, I cannot modify it in any way. I can, however, request clarification on several points contain therein.

1. I have nothing constructive to say about the crew of the Enterprise being banned from Risa. The fact that you were the one who started the bonfire that burnt down the hotel did not escape my attention. It still surprises me that you were not arrested for your unintentional act of arson. Admiral Pike made a timely arrival to prevent you from spending the next few years in a Risa prison. Although that does sound like something of an oxymoron. I am not entirely certain that there are prisons on Risa. Something I will investigate as time allows.

2. As you have chosen for us to spend the first week of our shoreleave in Canada, I know that I do not need to concern myself with your predilection for considering any shoreleave destination "clothing optional." I know that even you have enough reason and adequate sense of self-preservation to remain fully and appropriately clothed the entire time we are in the Frozen North. When we arrive in my chosen destination of Hawaii, I trust you will also remain clothed in a manner appropriate both to the resort where we will be staying and your position as Captain of the flagship of Starfleet. (Within our bungalow, however, I trust that clothing optional will be the rule of the day. Except when Dr. McCoy is in our company, of course.)

3. I know that you have no plans to take with you any condoms on this or any other shoreleave. We certainly have no need of them. And I continue to be pleased that Dr. McCoy was able to effect the cure of Matrorian Malaise which you contracted prior to the time we became acquainted. As the terminal result of that disease can be impotence and death, it would have been a tragedy had he not been able to successfully treat you for it.

4. Now that you have warned the crew against engaging in "extreme" sports, may I take this to mean that you also will be avoiding all inherently dangerous and potentially deadly recreational activities? I know that you would like to "shred" several mountains but I must strongly advise against the attempt. And if you choose to ignore my request, I will enlist Dr. McCoy's assistance to see that you do not "shred" anything while we are in Canada. Likewise when we are in Hawaii, I know that you will participate in only safe, approved recreational opportunities. This does not include body surfing the gigantic waves off the shore, or repelling into one or more of the extinct volcanoes that make up the islands which we will be visiting.

5. The likelihood that any member of the crew will be arrested is greatly reduced by the fact that Dr. McCoy and I will make certain that _you _are not arrested. I acknowledge that it has been 1.385 years since your last incarceration on a shoreleave planet and I do appreciate that fact. As do Admiral Pike and Starfleet. I am flattered that you engraved both of our names, surrounded by the heart symbol, on the wall of the temple despite the fact that I repeatedly warned you of the illegal and unwise nature of the activity.

6. I know that Lt. Uhura appreciates your reinforcement that the crew is not to contact her while they are on leave. While she is unmatched in interrupting and translating countless languages, she should not ever be put in the position of arranging a liaison between one of the crew and any being that crew member just met while on shoreleave. And while I have no particular response to your request that the Lieutenant can "thank you on general principle" I can say with some degree of certainty that she will not be thanking you for anything in the new future. Not in the way in which you imply, if I am interrupting your statement correctly which I am confident I am.

7. I was encouraged to see that you and Chief Engineer Scott have (finally) agreed to jointly claim ownership/fatherhood of the Enterprise. Your bickering over which of you had the most rights to this starship, while amusing to some members of the crew, became wearisome to others. I know that you will be able to fully relax on shoreleave certain in the knowledge that Chief Scott will oversee the repairs, upgrades, and modifications to what is, in reality, Starfleet's starship.

8. I am certain that the terrain and extreme temperatures of Canada will prevent the construction of any bon type fires and we will therefore not need to concern ourselves with the possibility of burning down the cabin in which we are staying. And you can be completely certain we will be constructing _no _such fires in any location on the Hawaiian islands.

9. Thank you for reminding the members of the crew that we too will be on shoreleave. Their unquestioned loyalty and devotion to you has been termed, by others, as inspirational, and it ensures that they do all that you ask (no matter how seemingly unorthodox the request) without question and ultimately successfully. It is a sign of your ability and dynamic personality as their Captain that they demonstrate such allegiance to you that they would request from Admiral Pike your location while on leave so that they might contact you with seemingly trivial matters. You have in every way become the prototypical "father figure" that defines the most successful and effective starship captains, even though you are not old enough to be the actual father of any member of your crew with the possible exception of Ensign Chekov. And as we have be shown countless holographs of the Ensign in the bosom of his family in Mother Russia, there is no doubt that you are in fact not his actual father. Although I know that he wishes you were.

10. I have nothing of consequence to add to the announcement you included that Dr. McCoy will be accompanying us. I suspect that it will only increase the number of rumors which already circulate that you and he are also a couple. I have heard no such speculation concerning he and I, and am grateful for that omission. I am, in fact, grateful that Dr. McCoy agreed to join us on leave so that he can assist me in keeping you out of harm's way and out of jail. I do not understand, however, why you continue to antagonize him and draw his ire. Everyone acknowledges that the two of you are best friends (minus benefits) yet he seems to be in a continual state of rage against you. I seem to be destined to never fully understand some aspects of Human behavior.

11. Thank you for asking the crew not to bring you tokens or souvenirs from their travels. I am unable to understand the purpose of a snowglobe, find no logic in miniature replicas of tikki huts, and think that the hula girls to which you referred are both tasteless and demeaning to women native to the regions of Earth they represent. I do not object to you being the recipient of puka shell necklaces, especially when shift is over and I return to our quarters to find you wearing only such an ornamentation. If the crew does present you with bottles of native alcohol, I trust I will not be forced to confiscate them to prevent you from overindulging in your effort to determine your favorite new drink, all in one afternoon.

I will be returning to our quarters at the conclusion of Alpha shift to begin packing for shoreleave. If you have not already done so, I urge you to see to that task as well. While we are determining how to get all of the thermal underlayers I will need into my tote, perhaps you can clarify those points I have enumerated above.

I look forward to discussing these and other more _personal_ matters upon your arrival.

**MEMO**

To: My Love  
From: Your T'hy'la  
Re: Shoreleave Rules and Regs

You're right, as usual. I should have let you read the memo before I sent it out. I'm sorry. My excitement about our upcoming shoreleave clouded my judgment. I promise to make it up to you tonight in such a way that you may even forget that I forgot, again.

Before you get here, finally, let me address some of your comments and concerns, which of course you wouldn't have had to send to me if I had remembered to show it to you before I sent it out. At least it's nowhere near as bad as the infamous New Year's Eve memo. OMG. Thanks again for saving me from myself – can you imagine if you hadn't intercepted it? I promise, cross my heart, that I won't send out any more memos until they have the "Commander Spock" seal of approval.

1. I still contend that I was not to blame for the fire that burned down that hotel. I was on the beach when it happened. So how could it be my fault? I was willing to take the blame so that the rest of the crew could return to the Enterprise _and_ I knew Chris would come bail me out, again. It doesn't really matter whose fault it was, really. I'm sorry we can't return to Risa but Canada and Hawaii will be a great substitute.

2. Of course the week in Canada won't be "clothing optional." I'd freeze my…hinny off. Can't have that. Especially since Bones will be staying in the cabin with us. Good thing the bedrooms are on opposite ends, huh? Once we get to Hawaii, however, all bets are off. Like most of my clothes. My new Speedo arrived yesterday. You're going to really like it. What there is of it. According to the concierge at the resort where we are staying, we have our own private beach. Which means we can both be completed naked and no one will be able to see us. Except Bones. And he's seen us naked as many times as we've seen each other. Or just about.

3. You can be absolutely sure I won't be taking condoms with me. Only plenty of…other necessities. I got us some cinnamon flavored…necessities. I think you're going to like it. It's quite tasty.

4. I told you just like I told Bones – I am not engaging in extreme anything except lovemaking! And that's mainly about the amount not the type. I won't be shredding any mountains, only possibly some sheets. And the only place I'm planning on going body surfing is on top of you. And possible the Jacuzzi tub in the bungalow in Hawaii.

5. I promise I'm not going to do anything that could result in being arrested. I promise. I know I shouldn't have carved our names on the wall of that temple. But I may have over-indulged in their native drink which clouded my judgment. Good thing Chris was on that side of the galaxy, huh?

6. Uhura should never be asked to help any of the crew to "hook up." And if I can't stop them from doing it, she's going to make me pay. Big. You know I didn't mean it when I said she could thank me later. Just kidding! (Although your inference as to what I meant was right on the nose. You understand Human slang and innuendo better than you want anyone to believe!)

7. Scotty and I will always fight over whose starship this really is. Of course we both know she "technically" belongs to Starfleet. But we are her primary caretakers. Her fathers, if you will. And no, I'm not old enough to be the father of any member of the crew, even Chekov. I would have been 8 when he was conceived. Even I didn't start that early. I really didn't. Oh wait. Your fatherhood diatribe was in number 9. Sorry. Skipped ahead.

8. No bonfires, I swear. A small fire on the beach in Hawaii for s'mores and that's all. I checked with the resort. They are allowed and there are no palm trees anywhere close by. We're safe.

9. Chris promised me he'd keep our location secret unless he decides it's a legitimate emergency. Which he classified as Earth being threatened by another particularly troubled Romulan. Why would anyone have to contact us anyway? I know the crew is attached to me. It's a mixed blessing. But I think they will respect our time away, this time. At least I hope they will. I hope they don't pester poor Scotty to death. You can be sure that I would never dare ask him anything more than once because he can be pretty blunt about the stupidity of anyone who asks the same question repeatedly. And I promised to bring him all the hooch he wants if he doesn't tell a soul, so hopefully that will stop him from accepting any bribes from the crew. And yes I know Chekov has a boy-crush on me. He'll outgrow it, I hope. I've talked to Sulu about it and fortunately he thinks it's funny. I don't really find it amusing but at least Hikaru doesn't want to use me for target practice. He promised he'd talk to Pavel while they're on leave. Maybe it will help. I'm not too hopeful.

10. Bones loves me. You know it. I know it. He knows it. That's why he's coming with us. And the crew can gossip all they want about me and him being "an item." I don't care as long as you don't believe it. He yells at me because he can. And he thinks it's his duty as my BFF (minus benefits) to keep me "humble." Whatever. Doesn't change how I feel about him. Or how he feels about me. Not that I love him in anyway the same I as I love you. But you know that too. And so does he.

11. I won't sample all the souvenir alcohol in one afternoon. I do have some sense of self-preservation despite what you and Bones want to believe. And if I get any new puka shell necklaces, you'll be the first one to see it. You can be sure you won't be distracted by any clothes when I show it to you.

I'm very much looking forward to the conclusion of Alpha shift, which is now. Look at that! I don't intend to pack. That's what I have a yeoman for. He can pack for you too. He's very good at getting lots of thermal underwear in a very small space. Very organized, thankfully.

As soon as you get here, I'll make up for forgetting to show you the memo before I sent it out. And anything else I may or may not have done that I need to "apologize" for. If you know what I mean.

Please hurry.


	6. Rules Concerning Crew Fraternization

**MEMO**:  
TO: The Crew of the USS Enterprise  
FROM: Captain Kirk  
RE: Crew Fraternization

I know that we all enjoyed the Summer Solstice party that Lt. Sulu and Ensign Chekov arranged for us. Thank you both, again, for a festive way to mark the beginning of the Earth season of Summer.

Not so festively, Starfleet's attention has turned (unnecessarily in my opinion) to reminding us about the rules which govern crew fraternization, found in the Official Code of Conduct, section 69, subsections A(1.4) to ZZ(250.4). They have requested _again_ that I stress the following points, although I find some of their regulations draconian and… well – it's officially their starship, after all. And we are subject to their code of conduct, even as awesome as we are:

_Section 69: Subsection B(3a6):_ Any crewmember accused of pursuing an attempted relationship with another crewmember who expressly declines such advances can be arrested, court-martialed, and dishonorably discharged.

_Interpretation:_ If you ask and the other party says no, that's game, set, and match. If you keep asking, you are going to be in very deep trouble. With Starfleet, with me, with your supervisor _and _the supervisor of the object of your desires. I'm not going to try to bail you out, intervene, or in anyway smooth things over between you and the ones you have offended. I mean it this time. So if the object of your desire says no, **no** is the answer.

_Section 69: Subsection K(9b):_ Crew fraternization is allowed across rank providing the two parties of disparate ranking secure, individually and independently of the other, the authorization of their Commanding Officer, which while serving on a Starfleet Starship is generally limited to the Captain of said Starship unless he is one of parties undertaking such fraternization in which case the authorization of the ranking Admiral is required.

_Interpretation:_ You want to have a fling with someone of a lesser rank than you, you have to tell me first. So does the other person. You _both_ have to come to me. No, I don't want to be all into your business. But I don't have any choice. And seriously, do you think I'm going to say no? And for the overly nosey of you – yes, Spock and I both talked to Admiral Pike AND Admiral Archer before we officially began fraternizing. We have the official, signed, notarized copy of their authorization in our quarters. Framed.

_Section 69: Subsection P(72d): _Crew fraternization is allowed across species providing the moral, religious, ethical and/or legal code of the homeworlds of both parties allows such fraternization. In circumstances of uncertainty, both parties are mandated to receive permission from their leader, governmental authority, religious and/or spiritual guide before engaging in active fraternization.

_Interpretation: _You aren't limited to your own species when it comes to dating. But, _please_, for the love of all that is holy, on every planet – known or not yet discovered – do not – I repeat – do NOT engage in any activity which could result in either of you being arrested, incarcerated, vilified, exiled, and/or painted red as a warning to the rest of that species. Personal experience? No. Intervention when it happened to a member of our crew? Yes. Those details are strictly confidential. Let's just say that enforced celibacy is no fun for anyone. Don't find out first hand.

_Section 69: Subsection Y(1a):_ Every member of Starfleet has available appropriate measures to ensure that no accidental conception occurs while on active duty. Should conception (accidental or intentional) occur, the crewmember who has conceived will be reassigned to the home planet of that crewmember, that crewmember's spouse, or a planet of that crewmember's choosing. In the case of crewmembers who are married/spiritually united/blessed by their makers to be forever together, both of the members of the marriage/union will be reassigned to the appropriate planet. This regulation is not intended to discourage procreation. Rather, it is to ensure the safety and welfare of the progeny of the crew.

_Interpretation:_ Dr. McCoy can make absolutely sure that your roll in the hay doesn't lead to either of you being in the "family way." If you get yourself knocked up, accidentally or on purpose, you can't stay on board. Not that we want to transfer you dirtside but we are in the business of exploration and discovery. We don't have all the necessary facilities for raising families. Maybe some day starships will be equipped for families. But we aren't. So just be careful. Go see Dr. McCoy before you fraternize then you won't have to worry.

_Section 69: Subsection MM(432b)_: The Prime Directive states emphatically and unequivocally that Starfleet will in no way interfere with the natural development of any civilization: _No identification of self or mission. No interference with the social development of said planet_. This includes fraternization with any residents of said civilizations. Starfleet personnel are strictly forbidden from engaging in sexual liaisons with residents of pre-warp planets.

_Interpretation: _The next time we're observing a planet that does not have warp capability, there are certain members of the crew who cannot be a part of the away/observation team. You know who you are. I won't call you out here. But so help me, if you so much as _look_ at someone on a pre-warp planet, I'll put you in the brig so fast your head will swim. Do you have any idea how many times the admirals yelled at me because you were so stupid as to be caught on Wor-Tiator with your pants around your ankles? I don't care that she said it was tradition. I don't care that she said she would be revered as a goddess. I don't care that she said there was no way you could get her pregnant. Do **not** ever do it again. Ever. Same goes for the rest of the crew. You'll be in trouble. I'll be in even more trouble. Best we all avoid that particular paradigm and **not** make our first contact be of the intimate kind.

_One last personal note:_ As I have stated on previous occasions, Lt. Uhura is a valued member of our Command Crew. She is acknowledged as the best Xenoliguist in Starfleet. This does NOT mean that she will play matchmaker for you and the Being you met at the bar on Rayunia. She will not interpret for you what the Being said. She will not translate the message the Being left on your comm. She will not respond to any electronic/voice/encrypted communiqué. Don't ask her. If you do, she'll tell me and I'll deal with you. You really want to come to me after she's _discussed_ her irritation with me? No, I thought not.

I trust we are all clear on what is and is not appropriate behavior for the finest crew in Starfleet. And these are only the highlights, as it were. The ones Starfleet thinks we are particularly bad about ignoring. Why they got this idea in their collective heads, I have no idea. But there you are.

(As an aside - although we are expected to adhere to them, my first rule is _if all parties are willing, then have at it. _Just please make sure you can't get caught. But you didn't hear it from me.)

**MEMO**:  
TO: Captain Kirk  
FROM: Ensign Pavel A. Chekov  
RE: Your Memo about Crew Fraternization

Keptain,

It is okay, yes, that Hikaru and I continue to fraternize? I have no written permission from you but when I told you, you say _Da_. Is that enough? Do I need to have it in writing?

You will let me know?

**MEMO**:  
TO: Pavel  
FROM: Captain Kirk  
RE: Carry on – no worries

Pavel,

Not to worry. You have my permission and my blessings to continue fraternizing with Hikaru. You don't need it in writing. I knew from the beginning that the two of you were meant to be together. I even told Spock. Not that I gossip about our crew. But the two of you make such a cute couple. How could I not mention it to my t'hy'la?

Anyway, carry on. You are in the clear.

**MEMO**:  
TO: Captain Kirk  
FROM: Lt. Hikaru Sulu  
RE: Cute, sir? Really?

Captain,

Thank you for assuring Pavel that we won't be in any trouble over our relationship. But, seriously dude, did you have to call us "cute"? You know how much I hate that word. With all due respect, _sir,_ if you wouldn't mind not using that word when describing me or him, I'd really appreciate it. And then there won't be any need for a demonstration of my retractable saber, if you catch my drift.

**MEMO**:  
TO: Lt. Hikaru Sulu  
FROM: Commander Spock  
RE: Your recent memo to Captain Kirk

Lieutenant,

While I understand your pique at being referred to with the particularly Human term of _cute_, I trust you fully understand the seriousness of intimating that repeated use of that term by the Captain will result in personal harm coming to him by virtue of a _demonstration_ of the lethal weapon in your possession. I also trust that this memo will be sufficient to ensure that no harm comes or is further implied as coming to the Captain. I have no desire to make this matter public nor to forward same to Starfleet.

I believe, as Dr. McCoy is overly fond of repeating, that a word to wise is all that is required in this circumstance. (As an aside, is it appropriate for you to refer to your commanding officer as _dude_? I am certain that it is _not_ standard Starfleet protocol.)

**MEMO**:  
TO: Lt. Hikaru Sulu  
EC: Commander Spock  
FROM: Chief of Security Sam Giotto  
RE: Potentially lethal weapons about Starship Enterprise

Lt. Sulu,

I have become privy to the exchange which you are having between yourself, Captain Kirk, and Commander Spock. (One of my responsibilities is to monitor all intra-ship communications for anomalies, security breeches, and/or threats to members of this crew.) While I am fully cognizant of the respect and admiration that you hold for the Captain, even implying in jest that you would provide him with a _demonstration_ of your retractable saber could be misinterpreted by others, who lack a familiarity of your relationship, as a potential threat. I know that you would never harm the Captain or any other crewmember of this ship.

Even though you have strenuously expressed (on several occasions) your objections to the term _cute_ when applied to you and/or Ensign Chekov, threatening the Commanding Officer of a Starship is considered a court-martial offense. As Captain Kirk risked his life by jumping off the drilling platform to secure your rescue after your parachute was destroyed, I know that he would be loathe to see charges pressed against you for a seemingly innocent remark you made in defense of your manhood.

I feel confident that you will take Commander Spock's advice and not repeat your implied threat of harm to the Captain. (And for the record, I have no comment on your use of the term _dude_ when addressing the Captain. I have heard, on repeated occasions, the Captain himself utilizing this form of address for various members of his crew. Although, notably, never to Commander Spock.)

**MEMO**:  
TO: Chief of Security Sam Giotto  
EC: Commander Spock  
FROM: Lt. Hikaru Sulu  
RE: OMG I'm so sorry. I was totally kidding

Please believe me when I tell you I was joking around with the Captain when I said that about a demonstration of my retractable saber. You know I would never do anything to harm him or anyone else aboard this ship. It was, I swear, only a joke. One that I shouldn't have made. And totally inappropriate. I'm sorry I said it and will never ever kid around about potentially threatening the Captain.

(Commander Spock – Captain Kirk has never objected to being called _dude._ But if you think it's inappropriate, I won't do it again. I thought our messages were private. My fault. Again, if you think I should stop I will.)

**MEMO**:  
TO: Chief of Security Sam Giotto  
EC: Commander Spock  
FROM: CMO Leonard McCoy  
RE: What The Hell?

What have y'all done to Lt. Sulu? He was down here babbling about court-martials and dishonorable discharges and Pavel being a button. I couldn't make any sense out what he was saying. But I did manage to figure out that he apparently said something about running through that man-child that's in charge of this goddam starship. Not that I advocate violence as a way to solve anybody's problems but I'm sure if Hikaru was threatening the _Captain _with bodily harm, there was a good reason for it. Hikaru is not easily moved to threats or violence.

I finally calmed him down and Pavel came and collected him. I'm not sure what the ruckus was about. But Sam, I can tell you one thing. Sulu is now terrified of you. I don't know if that was your intentions but Sulu made me promise that if I saw you comin' I'd tell you he'd already left. Did you threaten him with bodily harm? Did you say you were going to make him run more of your scenarios?

And why was he goin' on and on about whether or not _dude_ was appropriate? Since when has anybody on this goddam ship gotten their panties in a wad over what may or may not be appropriate? We have a ship full of teenagers. Run by the head adolescent. NOW we're going to worry about whether or not _dude_ is appropriate? Too late. That horse done left the gate.

I'm a doctor, dammit. I got no time for all this drama.

**MEMO**:  
TO: Lt. Hikaru Sulu  
TO: Chief of Security Sam Giotto  
TO: Commander Spock  
TO: CMO Leonard McCoy  
EC: Ensign Pavel Chekov  
FROM: Captain James T. Kirk  
RE: Everybody just calm the fuck down!

Hikaru – I knew you were kidding. I wasn't in the least upset when you said you would give me a demonstration of your retractable saber. We're cool. And, _dude_, I promise to try to remember to **not** call you or Pavel cute in the future.

Sam – I appreciate the exemplary way in which you ensure the safety of this ship and her personnel. I understand that it's your responsibility to investigate and prevent any possible threats to me or any of our crew. But you can be certain that Hikaru and I are buds. He would never do anything to endanger our ship or her Captain. Barring pods, spores, alien viruses, and/or body snatchers, naturally.

Bones – I'm sorry all this upset Hikaru. Thanks for dealing with his mild case of hysteria. It was all a misunderstanding. For which I am not to blame this time. I swear it. (And stop calling me a teenager. Seriously. Because this man-child can have YOU court-maritialed for actions unbecoming an officer. So, chill, dude!)

Pavel – Thanks for alerting me to this clusterfuck. It had gotten way out of hand. And don't worry about Hikaru. He'll be my number one pilot for as long as he wants the job. Just like you'll be my number one navigator. No worries on that.

Spock – You. Me. Our quarters. 15 minutes. We'll discuss the term _dude_ and all of the ways in which it can be used just as soon as we are off duty.


End file.
